A letter from Jan 28, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Happy birthday! Let's start off with the day and go backwards. I just finished watching the Golden Bachelorette Finale pt 1 for Joans season. I had a feeling Pascal wouldn't win but I didn't think he would up and leave her. My money is on Guy, Chocks got a little ick on him. Earlier today I had ramen with Dad and the food was incredible, I would say it's on par with what I had in Japan. The chashu pork was the largest I've ever seen, and the broth was filled with mushrooms and crunchy stuff. The meal was just incredible. Even earlier I had breakfast at the Coach House, just a meal of pancakes but it felt good for how normal it was. I always liked that diner, and I'm grateful I got the chance to be back in there again. This past year has been one of the most insane of my life. Starting from this day last year, I was focusing on research that I had in the backlog. When March rolled around I started going to conventions and prepping for my first international trip to Spelkollektivet, a video game developer commune out in Sweden. The location was familiar, and looked like New Jersey. The people within were why I wanted to stay though. They were from all places and all walks of life, and the rent was cheap! Someday I'll go back, but for now I need money really bad. I worked on a new Playback Trauma game and released it but it sold underwhelmingly, which was my own fault. I think I lost the passion and I was just trying to get it done without infusing it with anything extra. I'm okay with it though, because I have more projects in the works. Just before I left I met a few people at a convention I volunteered at, and they've turned out to be a large group of friends I enjoy hanging out with. It's funny how one simple interaction I had with one guy turned into a massive group of nearly 50. I met someone in the group too and at that con named L. I really liked her, and I developed feelings for her throughout my time traveling. We talked almost everyday, and I really care about her even now. In Sweden we talked about our pasts and I thought she trusted me but it turns out that wasn't the case. When I went to Italy something happened that changed my life. I was sitting down in a park while a festival was ongoing in my town and a young man approached me speaking Italian. He didn't speak English, but after some back and forth I realized he was asking to hook up with me back at my apartment. He asked if I was *** and I laughed and said no, then we parted ways. I realized if a young man like that can just walk up to a guy and not know his language and hit on him then why should I be afraid of telling someone how I feel? I asked L out that night, and she said 'sure'. At the time I was ecstatic that she gave me a chance, but as things went on it was clear that she didn't feel how I felt. I think limerance blinded me to the truth, so it's something I'll consider moving forward. There were times in Italy when she and I would go weeks without talking, and I should have just said something about how it made me felt. I kept the feelings to myself, when I should have been honest from the start. When I went to South Korea I arrived somewhat confused and aimless. I was still working on the game but SK was just a destination that got me closer to the US without going backward, and I always had a slight interest in seeing it. I learned the alphabet and now I can read Hangul letters if I need to. I met a nice lady there too who runs a chess club in the capital. It was a long time but I finally got to play chess again, and I loved it. She was really sweet, and we still talk today. She also took me to a breakfast place where we had really good food. Everywhere I went had amazing food and it was cheap too. I'll go back there too someday. In Japan I started having thoughts I couldn't ignore and I was a mess, but it was perhaps my favorite destination out of all the ones I had been to. The particular hotel that I went to was a hostel-like place but I had my own room, and there was a common area where lots of people hung out. I met some friends there and I had a ton of fun staying up til 5am and being vulnerable with some of the guys. That's a place I'll go back to someday, it's just a matter of when. A few days into my stay I realized that a convention back home was coming up and L was going to be there. I knew that this was a chance for me to see her and I didn't know when I would get another opportunity, so I cut my month-long trip short to just a week and booked a last minute flight to go back home to tell her how I felt in person. I lost a lot of money and a lot of time, but I did it in the name of love which is very much in my character. When I got back home and went to the con to work it was less than two days after I landed. But I'll never forget her face when she saw me. She squinted and smiled, not knowing if it was really me. I could feel the smile creep up on my face when I saw her though, and I gave her the biggest hug. Her smile is the most genuine I've seen in awhile, and I still remember it. It's one of the things I love most about her. When we got a chance to be alone I asked her in person if she would let me take her on a date, and she told me she saw us more as friends. It really hurt me to hear that, and to this day I'm still not over it. It's been a long time since I was rejected by someone I genuinely felt like I had a connection with, and despite being rejected so much it still hasn't gotten easier. I went to PA to attend an info session to be a casino dealer, and I was a mess after talking to L. But after scraping myself together I was accepted into the school, then I passed a dealer audition, and two days ago was my very first time on the floor of a casino dealing to guests. I've come a really, really long way in just a year and if I keep this up who knows where I'll be next year. I hope it comes soon, because I can't wait.