A letter from Jan 27, 2025

Dear FutureMe, All throughout my childhood, birthdays have been something I would look forward to for months. I would plan elaborate birthday parties with my mom months before my birthday out of pure excitement. As I have gotten older though, birthdays feel less and less whimsy. I have stopped counting down the days and planning parties with my mom months before. Maybe that is because I am in highschool now and instead of my mind sprinting ahead to the fun things I have to focus on surviving one week at a time, making sure that I stay afloat instead of drowning in pools of missing assignments. Maybe I no longer look forward to birthdays because they are a reminder of change: changes I have already made, people, places, and things I have already left in the past, or all of the things I am going to inevitably have to leave in the future. As I get older, I am going to have to leave behind so many more pieces of me than I will be able to hold on to. At some point, my life will turn into college, work, children, instead of watching movies in my mom’s bead late at night while cuddling with my dogs, goofing off at the ballet barre with my best friends, me and my friends texting each other instead of doing our work productively in seminar. I only have three more birthdays left in the only city I have ever known in the only house I have ever lived in with my best friends. Maybe I am scared for my birthday to come because not only do you get a slice of cake, but you also get a slice of expectations from the world to be greater, accomplish more than you did the year before. People always say that things get better with age, but what if one day I plateau? What happens if one year I stop exponentially growing in accomplishments, friendship, joy, and intelligence. I think one of the worst things I can think of is waking up and becoming mediocre. Great at nothing, bad at nothing, just neutral. Maybe birthdays are so scary because they remind us that we are constantly getting older. One day, I am not going to be able to move my body without being in pain. I will be unable to go on summer bike rides or dance on stage or walk my dogs. As all of these terrifying thoughts of growing up consume my head more and more on this day every year, I still love my birthday. I love my birthday not because I am selfish and want a day all about me, but because on this day I get reminded of all of the people who love me. This day is a reminder that there are people who think of me throughout their day and care enough to send a text message or send a stupid Facebook gif. Sometimes I struggle receiving these texts because I feel so loved that I almost feel undeserving of it. But if I take a second to think about, I do think I am deserving of love. It turns out that maybe my feelings are not melancholy, fear, or loss. Maybe what I am feeling is excitement for the future, because although I have lost so much in my fourteenth lap around the sun, I have gained so much more. Maven, I can not wait for you to look back on being 15 at all of the growth you have made, feelings you have felt, friendships you have made. I know that it is scary to grow up and know that you are going to lose so much, but you have things to lose! That is so special, how humans can cherish people, places, and things so much that they are scared anything will happen to them. Future Maven, I hope I make you proud. Happy Birthday! Always remember how loved you are.