A letter from Jan 24, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Hi. I'm listening to Do I Wanna Know by Hozier. I don't even think I like it. I still don't know if I like it or not, mainly because I still can't express if I like a song or not without being insecure. With that being said, I'm planning to be honest here. No lying for the sake of anything. I hope you have already graduated and had a nice day whether you went or not I honestly don't know. I feel like crying now. Currently, I'm ******* sad, confused, scared, and most prominently ******* lonely. In every and any way. Which is ironic because while writing this, I'm sitting beside my mother and sister. I still don't have friends. I'm still the ******* loser who doesn't have much of a personality outside of her head. I lack charisma, charm or anything that is remotely attractive. The only thing going for me is that I'm not as insecure anymore. Still think I'm unlovable and that I'm less than everyone. Which is just pathetic if you ask me. Also, I'm at the fattest I've ever been. So I have that going for me too. I'm in a rut. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't have life experience. Just living in delusions. I'm 18 years old feeling like I'm living inside the body of a 13-year-old one cause I'm still comforted by lies I've created to save me from living in constant rage with my finger always pointing somewhere, to explain and justify my pain. I feel small and pathetic. I comfort myself by saying I'm still young and maybe just maybe I'll get to see a glimpse of the life everyone has. But my time has since passes. In a year I'll experience my last year being a teenager and what memories do I have? Being on my phone while battling a war inside of me I instigated. Here's the sides; What I'm feeling, is it me being an ungrateful piece of **** that's looking for attention, or they have legitimately ****** me up. The jury's still up. But the judge has declared that both sides are getting time. I feel stupid. Everyone's disappointed in me. I see it in the lies their eyes foreshadow while their mouths contradict it. Singing me a lullaby crafted with practiced lies. The very task of needing to exist every day takes everything within me. But I promise you, I'm giving it my very ******* best. If lies were told here, let this be my truth. Maybe this is just my yearly rut that I get into before I start believing my lies again, I don't know. I'm a ******* liar and what's worse is I believe them. Anyway, same time next year? I don't have hope that you'll prove me wrong. I just want to close my eyes. I wish for love like the ones I read about. So ******* cheesy and the first time I've every confessed. The love and friend group. The life. The sense of belonging. Even my family don't like me like that. Love me sure but never prefer. No one's first choice. So sincerely **** you all.