A letter from Jan 18, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Honestly right now im feeling sorta of in the air, dont know where to be heading or what to be doing but just doing **** that makes me feel like me. if that makes sense. Love Love Love. all i think about. the burning desire behind all my motives. plaguing my every move. what can i do, what should i do, what could i have done to make me deserving of find someone who loves me. of finding love. is it something that im supposed to do? is there an instruction manual everyone got except me? everyone seems to find their other half meanwhile im back sitting on the bleachers clapping on and cheering (sarcastically and in extreme jealousy) Maybe thats the thing. maybe its because im so bitter and cynic. ive lost hope or should i better say ive lost expectation. because its not that i no longer hope it doesnt happen its more of a i dont really expect it to ever come my way. maybe it has and i brushed it away because i was too scared. or too stupid to see it was standing infront of me. what do you do when youve told someone you love them and they said they dont love you back? are you supposed to move on and pretend that the feelings youve been harboring and kindiling do not exist? do you snuff the pyre dedicated to the eyes that shine the brightest. the smile that fills emptiness. the laugh that breeds melodies. am i looking in the wrong places? reading the wrong books? wearing the wrong shoes? not smiling enough? not going out enough? isnt love something thats supposed to come your way? i dont know how painful this will all feel a year from now but between the two of us i havent felt an emotion in months and the small excitement i get is muffled by the reality that the man i like is in a relationship with a girl. this is who i become half a bottle of wine later. maybe a year from now id be sharing it with someone and not writing another letter to myself alone on a Friday night. Maybe a year from now ill be different, and the place i am will be different too. maybe a year from now im no longer yearning for another piece the universe ripped apart from me at the moment of my conception. Maybe my other half if they are somewhere is also feeling the same as me. maybe the only comfort i have is knowing that theyll understand my hurt. the reason i carry a "heaviness". i dont know where i should be heading or where i should be going but forward seems to be the only way through. i hope a year from now i am diffrent. i hope a year from now i am different.