A letter from Jan 16, 2025

Dear FutureMe, Today I am officially done. I look around me everywhere I go, especially is school, and all I can think about is how skinny everyone is around me. I don't pay any mind to people bigger than me because that's their own thing but do be skinny is everyone's thing. I am tired of my weight being the easiest thing that people can attack and comment on. I'm tired of feeling so ugly in the morning and thinking to myself, "I ate so much yesterday. I won't eat today. I'm definitely going to start today!" I'm tired of not feeling the genuine when someone complements me on my hijab because when I look down, I can see my big fat chubby cheeks that take up my entire face. I'm tired of wanting to want things and never achieve them. I'm tired of not having discipline and assuming that Allah(swt) will grant me my wishes in the future without me putting in any true effort. I want to not feel so different. I want to not have my jeans ripping in between my thighs because of the amount of friction they cause. I want to not have to worry about how my body looks like in a photo compared to everyone else. I want to travel to Oman this summer and be with Baroo and go shopping for clothes that will actually fit me and borrow her clothes that will also fit me. I want to come back to senior year wearing new jeans and walk up the stairs not having to worry about the person behind me noticing my jeans being ripped. I want to be driving my senior year. I want to have Brightfuture, but apply for OSU my senior year and get in. I want to be with my Sudanese community that I always dreamt of being with. I want to be able to wake up and have to worry about my meals popping up of my face and making me look bigger than I actually am. I will take this seriously starting 1/17/25 and I will stop dreaming. 2025 WILL be my year and I am tired of making excuses for myself. It hurts so much to dream of being someone I can be, but I'm not. I can't give up. I won't. Even if food is shoved down my throat, I will throw it all up and keep going. Call me dramatic, but this is all I've ever wanted, and I WILL 100% make sure that I get what I want!! I hope all is well. I love you so much!!