A letter from Jan 15, 2025

Dear me, It's Wednesday, 15 January, I was supposed to be in my hometown getting my passport and now I'm in the lecture room supposedly studying for BD while I'm embarrassed about oversleeping and about sharing with my roommates and family that I missed the train and also feeling like ****, constantly failing and failing and yet, somehow, I'm still alive, still thinking about college and I don't know why. Like seriously, how come I didn't end my life? Maybe it's because I imagine my family's reaction to finding out about my ***** while not being able to talk with them about any of this, or because I want peace not ***** but it feels like I'm just delaying the inevitable. Why do I even keep going? I guess "keeping going" is not the best descriptor, more likely "surviving", going through days like a zombie, with no purpose, no "brain". I feel like I can barely think or remember or memorize.....it really seems like there's no hope for me to find a job, love, and it's not like a lot of people have faith in me, heck I can't judge them can I? It's not like I have any proof that I'm doing alright, quite the opposite, there are all these moments that show I'm digressing each day...I guess I'm kind of stuck, not wanting to live but also not wanting to die? Not knowing what to do? Well there is the gym...I don't know, right now I want to sleep, I should probably give gym a chance and go back to eating good foods, after all what else can I do? I mean I've got to do something right? To think that at the end of June I'll be staying with my family and another family for 3 weeks-1 month in Thailand and Indonesia, I wonder how will I cope? It felt wrong to refuse, even for me but how will I handle all of this? All the traveling, no privacy, stress...I mean I was so ****** up at the end of Taize and even in the middle of it, and that lasted for 2 weeks, I can't imagine being in such a long trip without having at least 1 breakdown, at least in Taize I was mostly with strangers except for a neighbour, now everybody knows me so not only I can't be alone, I also can't cry in front of others because they know me...well I guess I feel stuck because I feel like I have no alternatives, like what else can I do? What am I even good at? What do I like? Can I be normal? Or at the end of 4th year will I still be a freak?