A letter from Jan 11, 2025

Dear FutureMe, I've popped back up to add, you are writing this listening to "last night's mascara" by Griff on repeat. Such a vibe of a song. Put it on now for a nice nostalgic audio treat. I've had kind of a bad day today. A bad few months, honestly. A summary of my life so far. You've been married for 2 years now. You are typing this around 10:30, quietly, so you can avoid waking up your wife. Your life with your wife is... not exactly the fairy tale happiness you're hoping for. I'd hesitate to call it bad, but honestly I'm not sure you'd say you're happy right now. You just showered, and spent the whole time thinking about how unhappy you are. Marigold just jumped onto your chair and now she's sitting on your armrest. You are in desperate need of a trauma dump or at least a feelings dump and this is the best you can do right now. And you're spending a not insignificant amount of thought thinking about how much you don't feel like you can share, and about the last time, (or perhaps a few times?) ago when your wife asked what you were doing typing so much, and now you feel like you have no privacy and you have to hide so much of what you're doing, and how she gets her time in the morning just to herself so she can talk to her family, but she's alienated you from your friends and made you afraid of even messaging them normal messages, messages of kindness, messages of congratulations, of plain salutations and of nostalgia for past memories, and she hates your sisters, your last immediate family, you think, even though she claims otherwise, even as she says words that speak to her past hurts because, in a moment of sadness and weakness, you didn't trust her. You wonder if she trusts you now, and you don't think she does, because she once remarked that she had seen the profile picture of Cynthia on an open Facebook tab, and that clearly meant you had been messaging "those girls" even though you truthfully hadn't used that chat in well over a year, if not longer. As a little aside, you are enamored with the way these words are flowing right now, and how you type. And then, a twinge of fear and pain as you wonder if your wife is awake, and what she's thinking right now if she is, listening to you wax lyrical. also, marigold just left. she hopped off the arm rest, likely offended that you wouldn't let her on your lap and stomach to get warm and cuddle. As another aside, you just wrote wax lyrical, and you kind of hate that. Getting kind of a Homestuck exposition vibe here, and digging that. Wish I was doing better. Anyways. I'm just stuck thinking about how unhappy I am. Just right now. Most days are fine and good. Maybe it's just a bad few days? Mom died 15 days ago. Dad died 1070 days ago. You can see the date on the email, I assume. During the shower, I thought a lot about how little Sarah has changed, and it is my slight hope that in writing this I feel better. After all, a lot of past letters have helped me with changing my viewpoints. I think it's getting all of my feelings out of me onto digital paper that really helps. There's a line in last night's mascara "asking god to wash you from my soul" that I'm thinking of. I really hope that it helps me wash my bad feelings from my soul. Honestly, I kinda feel better already. Writing has always been a good experience for me, regardless of my feelings of constant surveillance. The panopticon is real, I guess. A quick aside for context, Chrismark was telling me about his friend in a very abusive situation. Physically and ******** abused. A harrowing tale. Context. I read that the constant feeling of being watched is characteristic of emotional abuse. A small break while I check the criteria for that. Okay, so I actually looked up what battered women's syndrome is, and I definitely don't have that. I assume the feeling of constant monitoring is probably not good for my mental state though. I hope that girl is doing okay. I hope Chrismark isn't projecting anything. Speaking of, I wonder how much I'm projecting. I like to think that I'm viewing everything very objectively, but honestly this situation, my unhappiness, is like emotionally the closest thing I could ever be close to. Maybe I should have a therapist to talk to. I wish I had friends I could confide in, but I don't want Sarah finding out, and I don't want them to think she's a bad person. I think I do still love her. I just want different things in life. I guess that's the thing to really determine first. Am I willing to make this work? At the time when I began writing this letter, I would have almost said no. I think, deep down, I would still say yes, but that's just me being... not flippant, but spiteful? Angry? I'm not entirely sure. Also, as a reminder, you had sichuan hot pot from tasty pot, big spice, and your butthole and intestines are straight up ****** up right now. You've tried to poop like 3 times since you got home at 8, and you've been writing this letter since about 10:30. Anyways, just from the process of writing, you've moved onto a firm yes again. I'm still so so so worried she's going to read these letters. And I really wish she wouldn't. Sarah told me we share everything now, and I don't know if I'm projecting, or maybe just wondering if past actions are continuing, but I wonder if she talks about our problems, if she even views our problems as problems, to her mother still. I don't dislike her mom, but I must say the idea that she's allowed to talk to someone, to confide in someone, while I'm forced to write these away and try to fix my problems myself, is very unsatisfactory to me. But we are supposed to fully communicate, and she asked me, either last night or two nights ago, why I no longer cuddle her when it's her bedtime. I responded by asking why she leaves me every morning, in my sleepytimes. I don't think Sarah even thinks about the disparity in our relationship. It's actually something I need to consider as well. There's nothing, I think, that she holds back in our relationship. She's a fully open book when it comes to events. However, I feel like she is constantly holding back her true feelings. For example, today after work, I was told to go buy matcha powder for her to make matcha lattes. I found some matcha latte drink mix, and also the liquid tea concentrate. She was excited for the concentrate, but then she told me she wanted matcha, not tea, and I corrected her saying that matcha is tea, and that she had a fundamental misunderstanding of matcha and tea. She got sad, and when I asked what was wrong, refused to admit that her feelings were hurt. This sort of thing happens all the time, and honestly thinking back to it irritates me so much. And I think that she thinks she's being the bigger person by not revealing her hurts, and I'm upset because I think she's still holding back, emotionally. And in her defense, being the sparkling master debater I am, were I in the antagonistic mood, I would definitely press the advantage and her weakness. In this specific instance, I was just irritated that she refused to get something she wanted just because I had made a simple correction to her, in my mind. I'm sure for her it was a much greater wound, but the problem I can't accurately gauge the effects if she's not willing to show the pain, and also it galls me because it clearly shows she still doesn't trust me, and obviously that's not conducive to fully communicating with each other. I wish we had a therapist. I also wish Sarah would also just admit, and accept, that she's a flawed human. We all are. Humans are all malleable, but the second I even try to bring up her issues, her faults, she immediately gets angry and butthurt and all conversation ceases. I wonder if it's in the delivery, or perhaps the timing, or perhaps just the fact that it's me. I wonder if her mother has better luck with these things. I think the last failure in therapy was because she didn't like the therapist, because the therapist asked her to work on herself. Actually, thinking about that, I really think Sarah was really hoping the entire experience would be the therapist just telling me I was the problem, and that I had to do a lot of things to fix the relationship, and that Sarah was perfect and didn't have to do anything. I'd like to take a quick moment to ponder this. Moment over, very little pondering done. I'm now vacillating to the other side of the relationship divide. Metaphorical divide. Can I be with someone who is unyielding and unchangeable in her character? I think a good person would be capable of admitting their faults and strive to fix them. I would never say that someone should be capable of fully fixing them, but now I have trouble seeing a resolution if I am to just accept this exact person as my wife for the rest of my life. I was thinking to myself in the shower all the ways Sarah has changed for me. Honestly, all I can think of is the fact that she stopped wearing shoes in the house. I feel like, in terms of our living situation, aside from moving into a previously made home, she has given up nothing from her side of the relationship. She had to give up one room to all of my fun nerdy interests, and one shelf in the master bedroom, and a little bit of display room on the fridge and in the kitchen, but the rest of the space has been hers entirely to arrange. I'm sure she'd point to the fact that we were staying up until 2am when Meimei was here, but that was an entirely different set of circumstances. She still wakes early, leaves me to be alone, claiming her morning ritual is meditative, and sleeps early. She does occasionally eat meals at normal dinner time, though she tells me that she'd rather just snack, and while yesterday we had a lasagna dinner, today she ate early and went to bed by the time I returned home, a little before 8. I must confess that I am also a little peeved because the last few days she has done very little. She has cleaned up the pee area on the stairs a few times, and she said she was looking at jobs today, and she did clean up the mess her leaking soap made in the chair, and she did take out the trash, but she forgot to take out the trash cans, and I had to remind her to clean the pee stairs and the soap stain. Admittedly, the soap stain wasn't exactly her fault, but the fault of either the shippers or the supplier. In return, I have walked the dog one night, purchased supplies and food for her, cooked meals and washed dishes, and swept and cleaned the cat litter boxes. Also, I went to work and pay all of our bills, and tried to take care of some more Mom things. I suppose this is a segue into what I feel is the effort/chores disparity in the home. Because unless Sarah suddenly starts making 6 figures, her telling me that she hates Walmart/Sam's and no longer wants to work even though all she does is stay at home and I think it's making her depressed, it's just not going to work out. And we've actually had this discussion before, and I just remembered that. There's things that Sarah views as important that I don't, and things that I see that she doesn't. Most common sticking point, dishes. But actually that's been in a pretty good place, now that I'm washing them pretty much every night. Also, I had to leave to go **** again, my guts are ******* me. Also, I took another break to learn about Griff. Her real name is Sarah Griffiths, and it sounds like she's half-Jamaican half-Viet? Also she's Christian, but doesn't seem to put too much of it into her songs. Sans, you know, the on my knees at the altar baby line, but I always felt like that was a little agnostic, tbh. Anyways, back to the productivity disparity. I suppose, in retrospect, I should be kinder and supportive while she's in this transitory period of her life, but I really do feel like I'm justified in wishing she'd at least finish doing the things I ask her around the house. I also think back to a few days ago, Thursday I think, when after I came home and started cooking, cleaning, and also doing pet things, Sarah had told me she had forgotten to do any of the things she had planned to do, and pretty much just spent the day watching TV and movies that she accused me of not wanting to watch, and just sat watching more TV while I did everything. And then I think back to when I told her about the time when Dad took away Dragon Warrior 1-3 from me for not helping, and I remember that Sarah doesn't have that same quality about her, and I actively feel bad if I see her doing something and being productive while I am not. I almost want to say it's an empathy thing, but it could also be a lack of empathy from Sarah, but it could also be just past traumas from my life growing up and she doesn't have that same issue and I'm just projecting. Not to say that it wouldn't be nice if we were on the same page, and I do feel like she should be a little more empathetic if we really are supposed to be one and she wouldn't just sit around, and I do feel like I've mentioned this feeling before, though I can't say if I've been direct, and often Sarah does say she just wants me for company while she does things, so I suppose in terms of that, it really is just my problem. Still doesn't fix the productivity dilemma though. I suppose I make her do a lot more big ticket items, e.g. staying at home while appliances or repairmen come through, or acting as the dumb girl to get cars fixed, but those things also come with a monetary cost, which obviously I'm always the one to pay for these things. Sans the washer and dryer. Actually, I was going to say it all shakes out, but it really doesn't feel that way. These things are quite expensive and on her salary, she'd be working quite a bit to pay these things off while enjoying the life she currently leads and that I feel she doesn't entirely appreciate, though I can also say that that's probably because we do have different values. I think, actually, I'm just looking for acknowledgment and appreciation and I don't get that enough from Sarah. I think that just might be an emotional thing though, and perhaps explains my idle daydreams. Considering I've just realized that about myself, I should vocalize that to Sarah. Aside, my stomach still hurts, but also I breathed Sichuan mala peppercorn juice earlier and my lungs hurt and my butt hurts and man, everything intestinally is just ****** up right now. And I breathed in that ******* moldy coffee cake and I'm really upset I didn't get to eat any of that. It was still moist and smelled good! Sadness. Honestly, now I feel pretty good and that I've worked through some of my problems in our relationship. I do always feel better after writing these. Thanks, Futureme the company. I do still need to figure out the communication problem. I really do need to brainstorm how we're going to work on Sarah holding back emotionally. I read a comment on Reddit saying it takes like 20 bring ups to fix 1 put down, and I think, while that does seem accurate, Sarah is a born pessimist and that doesn't help things, really. The other alternative is figuring out how I can deal with that better, but getting both of us to open up entirely is still kind of a far dream for the future, imo. I do feel like we got married much too early in our relationship. I don't necessarily feel like we aren't going to work out, but I do think there's lots of problems we maybe should have figured out first. The only solution I can think of right now is just saying for me not to put her down, but many times I do it by mistake, and I could be more mindful, I suppose. But it still doesn't fix the feeling she isn't fully opening up, and I don't feel comfortable with opening up until she does, and now we're in a paradox and I can't tell how much of this is just me projecting. I do definitely think this is an issue stemming from her past marriage, and I do definitely think we could do better with the right therapist. Unfortunately, I don't know how to proceed on this one, and it's kinda late. It's Saturday night/Sunday morning and I have to work again, so I should probably stop soon. I feel bad that I forgot Mom's ashes. I need to get them. I also probably need to work through some feelings on there, but honestly I feel okay. I do wish Sarah would finally open up about her being hurt that I didn't trust her that one day, and while I understand it was a misstep on my part, I really feel, just like with the productivity disparity thing, like she is way out of her depth on this life and she has no idea what she's dealing with. I'd like to explore that. Maybe tomorrow, maybe another day, I'm going to go **** one more time and then go to bed, I think. I think my intestines are straight up super inflamed and fried right now. Hope things are going better for you, Futureme.