A letter from Jan 04, 2025

Dear FutureMe, 🌸 Hey. Hey. My head still hurts. Heh. I don’t even know where to begin. Taking care of myself. I’m starting to feel I’m my own poison mehn. He…well. He finally spoke to me. I didn’t even realize he did the day after the new year too. He basically said screw you. And today he urged me yet again to reply him. Heh. I did. It didn’t feel like I was folding though. It felt like he wouldn’t stop unless I said the words. Then I did. And he said okay. For one moment. And then he said something that he knew would strike a cord. He want to give me back the strawberry house. And honestly it hurt me so much that I didn’t even know what to say. Then he said he’d destroy it if I wouldn’t take it back. I asked him if that’s what he wanted. To hurt me. He said yes. He asked me why I was doing this to him. Sigh…somehow I remained calm and didn’t text vomit for once. I asked him if I hurt him. He said yes. I told him to accept it and hate me. He said he wouldn’t. He sent me about ten happy new years messages with the fire works I’m always desperate to see, after I told him that he didn’t say it this year. When I guess…none of us really knew how to continue the frustrating conversation. He blasted my phone with the fire works till I found myself laughing. And that was the end. For the night. But not before he said it again. That sentence that only ever me feel light headed and confused. He said that he loved me. Sigh. Thinking back on it, it hurt that he’d use the painting against me. I have to admit he’s quiet and patient and seems gone. But he never forgets. Especially when he discovers a weakness of mine. And when he couldn’t use my feelings against me he used empathy and when he realized it stopped having an effect, he used the painting against me. And after it hurt, it made me angry. That he wouldn’t let me go and be at peace. That he keeps pestering me with constant headache inducing persistence. That he doesn’t realize that it’s not the same for me as it is for him and he only loves me as a friend but he keeps saying it and I’m scared that if I keep hearing it I’ll let myself get the wrong idea. Sigh. I’m not so angry anymore. I felt bad when I realized that I saw in him a bit of myself. In the past. When someone I loved pushed me to the wall and it hurt so much that I thought I’d be okay if I hurt him too. I regret it to this day. And I almost feel like I pushed him to the wall. And that’s why he wanted to hurt me. And he felt that he had no other choice or else he’d lose me and then he’d know for sure that this time, he’s alone. I left him alone. With no explanation because I’m a coward. So I can’t say that I’m angry that he’d react that way because I know first hand that sometimes…it’s just human instinct to turn into something dangerous when you’re backed against the wall. And our minds know that time has passed but our genes don’t. So we still react more or less the same way because honestly, evolution can be instantaneous but it can also be surprisingly slow. Sigh. I’m not entirely sure how to feel. But I know that this path I chose, I have to keep going. I just wish it was easier to tell him to find it in his heart for it to be enough for us to meet in the next life. Sigh. If he’d be guided that is. It all feels like a heavy shackle to me. And I don’t see the appeal. Heh. Anyhow, it’s all big talk from someone that still hasn’t experienced what it is to love someone that loves them back. In the same way. Sigh. Aisha, this is a real mess you’ve got yourself in. I wonder how it’ll turn out. I’m happy I wrote though. Sigh. I’ll keep going, even if there’s a tough pill to swallow at some point. I love you.