A letter from Jan 03, 2025

Dear FutureMe, 1 year from now, early January 2026, where will I be? Right now, i'm feeling a lot of things... It's 11pm on a Friday. I didn't make plans and so I'm home and oyu know, I feel rather lonely. I'm unsure of a lot these days. Of what makes me happy, of what job I want, of how to spend my time.. All of this takes over for me sometimes.. I can get in my head and let it all cloud over. I assume most of these feelings come from that place. But if, for some reason, I'm in a similar spot next year, I guess maybe this is a sign that I need to make some real changes. I read something today that made me think... it said "Maybe you don't feel fulfillment because most of the things you've had so far, you haven't really worked for, they've just kind of happened." That hit a bit hard for me. And maybe that's true, or maybe it just is how i'm feeling in the moment. A lot of things I have had kind of just work out, just by being open to opportunities around me. Is that something that leads to unhappiness in the long run though? I'm dealing with a lot of grief these days as well. How it affects me, I don't totally understand. I think sometimes that I'm doing okay with all of that, that'd i've found ways to keep my relationship with my dad alive. But of course it has its crushing moments as well, where it clouds my whole brain. I wonder too though, does it have more hidden affects that are hitting me all the time, just making day to day things harder? Right now I'm pretty volatile. I'm working as Lino's nanny, trying to see if i can do some stages to explore other options, have my friend group (but a few of them are still gone for the holidays so not seeing as many people as I'd like), getting back from spending the two months at my mom's house, processing that my life in the US might not have much of a future, feeling happy to be back in France, feeling also confused on if I'm really happy where I am. Maybe i'm looking for clarity in all these things, like trying to get to the point where my 26 year old life feels "done" or "settled", like checking off things on a to do list. I try to internalize this idea that uncertainty is a constant - i won't ever be able to cross that off my life to do list. It's of course, not an easy thing to do though. I guess this time next year, I hope I've gotten a bit better at that. And maybe I've learned a thing or two on my happiness, my sense of purposefulness. <3