A letter from Jan 03, 2025

Dear future me, first of all, happy 20th birthday. i'm a little bit ashamed writing this letter, solely because i came to realize that i've never really been true to myself so far. i hope you change. i never thought i'd make it so far honestly. i promised myself i'd make it to the age of 18, and i did. i just wish i could be happy about it. and i wish i'd stop measuring my value and worth by the amount of people who love me. i don't think i'll ever be able to stop doing that. i've gotten to know some amazing people in 2023 and 2024, but we never made it to 2025 together. they never really did anything wrong, and neither did i, it just didn't work out. after all, losing your feelings is normal, it can happen. it hurt me to the core, but that was never his fault. i'm just vulnerable. it's always that time around october, right before my birthday that someone breaks my heart. hopefully, you can enjoy your 20th birthday peacefully without being absolutely wrecked for dumb reasons. its been like that 3 years in a row now. i don't remember the last time i truly enjoyed my birthday without missing someone. this time was a different type of pain tho. since my 18th birthday i've just been conscious but never really alive. i didn't just miss him, i was completely self destructive. i've done some regrettable things, all because someone lost their feelings for me. i shouldn't be this fragile and vulnerable, but i also can't blame myself for it, considering the fact that i genuinely loved him and thought it would work out, despite having such strict parents. i'm not trying to be desperate, but i guess that's just a lie i've been telling myself. i'm not desperate, i just wish someone would love me the way i'd love them, so i can convince myself that im not so worthless after all. i just hope the fact i want to be loved so bad doesn't result in accepting anyone who comes into my life and shows a little bit of attention, for the sake of feeling some type of love for once. honestly, i hope this letter reaches you well and actually opens your eyes this time. i'm writing this to give you, my future self, a proper reality check. i hope you're not making the same mistakes just because you got rejected, and i really hope you don't say yes just to feel an ounce of love. please, before you get close to someone, ask yourself if you really want to be with them or if it's just the attention they're giving you. otherwise, you'll end up hurting others as well. and i'd rather hurt myself than hurt others because i don't know what i want. get a ******* grip. yours dearly your past self