A letter from Dec 31, 2024

Dear future me… You did it. You survived 2024. You made it out alive even when you thought you never would. You did it. I am so proud of how you overcome ever battle and hardship within this year. You lost some and you gained some. You didn’t hit all your targets but you managed to keep yourself as kind, loving and strong person. You lost someone very important. Someone you saw your whole life planned ahead with… The one you wished to have a home with. A home where there was peace. A home where it would have been you, me and the ones we create. I lost you. I lost you when I never thought I could. I lost you when I just gained you. Allah swt took you back to him when it was your time and I finally understand that. But my heart. My heart can’t seem to handle you not being here with me anymore. I have no idea what I can say or how I feel. You not being here still feels so strange. The craziest part of this all is that you aren't going to be the one who receives this message from me. Never did I think this would happen. We always spoke about Allah qadr and waiting for it but here we are. The very same Qadr and naseeb we spoke about is no longer relevant. The relationship we once had is no longer the way it was..I'm just here lingering, lingering on the thought that this is all just a little prank and you'll be back. You'll be back calling me Dory and fish. Always forcing me to laugh never matter how down I was. Always reminding me to smile and not to take life so seriously. There is so much my heart wants to say to you but I can't. Our last call. It was never meant to end the way it did but I had to. I had to do it for the sake of us. I wanted you to realise the importance of our relationship and what we wanted to do it with it. I know you always meant it as a joke but it was 4.30am. I was tired. I just wanted to make this something we would never regret. But yet here I am regretting that night. I wish I was not tired. I wish I understood your joke. I wish I had messaged you. I wish you had rang me. I wish you pooped up to my stories. Trying to make things better. In your own jokey loving way. I messaged you a few days after your passing... I had got an urge to message you for the last two weeks of your life. The urge to just tell you that I loved you back. That I waited to hear you say you love me. That night you told me 3 times loud and clearly you loved me...but I wasn't ready to say it back. 4th july I was ready. I reached out to you and wondered why I didn't get a response as you would always reply. So fast which I loved. I would never have to wait for your reply. I opened my WhatsApp to then received your passing message. I opened it around 4.30am...the same time as the last time we spoke. My heart sunk. I was trembling. I was quite. I was in shock. I couldn't grasp it. My mind was filled with nothing. It felt like time stood still. Time still feels like it's stood and it's been months since your passing, I feel lost. I miss your laugh. I miss your jokes. I miss your kind and loving words. I miss the feeling that I had with you. I love you and I always truly will. You'll be the one I almost had. I pray to Allah swt that somehow somewhere I get to meet you. I get to finally feel you even if it's for a second. Even if it's breathing in the same air. I miss you I really do. I keep trying to move on with life and be happy. See happiness in everyone's lives having the one they love when I've lost the one I loved and wanted. What am I supposed to do. I had you. I had you finally just about. I finally heard you utter the very 3 words I waited 3 years for. I seen the parts to you that no one had. The soft side, the drained side, the loving side, the happy side, the sarcastic side, the eager side. I just never saw the angry side. You never shown me any anger. You always understood, you understood the meaning of what's meant to be will be. No matter how much we want it or don't want it. Now with this lesson I am taking on your wisdom. Everything will happen accordingly. I can't wait till we meet again In'sha'Allah. I love you. I hope Allah swt forgives you for all the sins and rewards you for all the good you done. Ameen. That is your past. Now it is time to move on. You have found someone who loves you unconditionally. I want you to at least try to make this work. Your mind and heart may not agree but they are the best thing after him. He cares for you like no other. He looks after you. He treats you as if there is only you in his world. He takes all the pain away just with his one smile. His giggle reminds you of the feeling of being warm. He reminds me of you. You have to understand that all these hardships we go through will be the reason why we stand up strong and high one day. I want you to do what makes you happy! You have promised yourself to start driving, Get your health to be a priority. To get yourself to be a priority. I want you to read this knowing that I have not set any targets in particular for you. I just want you to overcome all your sadness. I want you to be able to regulate your emotions, to understand that everything happens for a reason, I want you to be more aware, most importantly I hope you have improved yourself as a Muslim, You are praying more. Giving charity. Always lending a hand to people. When you read this. I hope you have moved on from all the pain of your past and opened the door for a beautiful future whether it lies in yourself or with someone. I hope you do what makes you feel a whole again. I hope you have learnt to love yourself and to appreciate yourself. I love you. We can only take care of ourselves, we can only take care of ourselves in this lifetime so we have a beautiful here after. I hope I haven’t forgotten anything. I want you to be realistic with life. Don’t force yourself to catch up with people. Take your time to take it in. I love you TN. TN forever❤️