A letter from Dec 31, 2024

Dear FutureMe, It's the end of 2024.A year that left me with so many stories,lessons and achievements,let's not forget the failures.I quess I was always like this...I never saw a bright thing to something.Even when I talk with someone I say in my mind:''How much longer it will take for this person to leave me?Are they faking everything about our friendship?''I am an overthinker.I am my greatest enemy.Every night I replay all my mistakes,i can remember everything I've done,it's the worst trait of mine,but I act like a loser and say to my friends ''Oh I totally forgot about that''so they won't think I am weird.I was always scared of people thinking I am weird,so much that i developed social anxiety. I thought of ******* myself these days,I am feeling so numb like i can't even breathe sometimes.My hands are shaking,my mind won't stop talking about how awful I am and how it's my fault for everything that happened this year.From all of my friends that forgot my birthday,to the ones who talk to me only to get something,the way i lost my dog,the way i get humiliated anytime i do something wrong,and i try to keep it all together by getting some high grades.I never went to parties,I was never invited even though people/friends were making plans in front of me.I never had my 1st kiss not even a boyfriend and i will no longer be a teenager...It's like i got rid of the nicest years of my life cause of the way I am.Why am I like this?Why can't I forget things like everybody does and just move on? I hope there is a future where I can look in the mirror and say this is a person not a body who is slowly decomposing itself. So tell me future me...am I someone now?