A letter from Dec 29, 2024

Dear FutureMe, It was on a windy Sunday morning, the longing of having kids came to me. I was drying my laundry when I heard kids' voices echoing from the other side of sport complex. I could not see them, so I just watched the big tree rocking smoothly by the winds. That feeling came to me, hugging me, made me stop and think, isn't it nice to live like this? Hearing your kids playing along with each other while you are doing your house chores. I love that feeling. I'm longing for that feeling of peace. Then, I feel an instant worried crawl inside my soul. Could I make it? Will I ever get married and have kids and have a healthy relationship with my partner, and will we be able to provide happy, safe and loving home to our kids? I wonder. I'm afraid if I am the reason why we couldn't have all that. I want a happy home. I want to build healthy relationships. I want to provide the best home and be the best parent to my kids. I want to love and be loved. But I just think I can't. I don't want to go through whatever my parents had to. I don't want my kids to go through whatever I am going through now and back then. I already love them so much; I couldn't bear the thoughts of them being as stress out as me because of their own parents and family. It hurts, so much. They should feel happy and safe when they are thinking and talking about us, the family.