A letter from December 29th, 2024

Dear FutureMe, It's not laziness is it? I think I'm becoming depressed. I can hardly recognize myself. Where is all my motivation? I just want to waste my time and not be alone with my thoughts. That's what I've been doing this week. I'm at my parent's house for the holidays so no roommates or uni friends for me. I went out with my friends from high school a few days ago, well at least with 2 of them cuz the rest didn't come. And then I blew them off when they texted me to play video games that evening and when they wanted to hang out the next day, saying oh sorry I didn't see your text and oh sorry I have too many things to prepare for christmas, but they're just excuses. I literally watched 3 seasons of grey's anatomy in a week. I can feel myself distancing from this group anyways. I'm not even spending new year's with them for the first time in like 6 years.So since I came back home I've been browsing tiktok for hours or playing minecraft amd watching grey's, doing anything but being alone with my thoughts. But now I can't sleep, so I have to be alone with my thoughts, cuz I refused to open tiktok again. And being alone with my thoughts I realized I might be depressed. Think about it like this: 3 years ago: junior year in high school right? I was online with my friends every evening, ******* it in school, going to the gym at least 2-3 times a week and training in the mornings. I had self control regarding what I ate and stuff... and I could draw. I was drawing everyday at school. Even the strictest teachers used to let me draw during their classes. I went through 4 sketchbooks that year, and I was drawing on the back of my english tests and everywhere.I miss it. I miss it so much. I miss my skills but mostly I miss the feeling. Now you know what I do during boring classes at uni? I play on my phone. Actually I do that for almost every class. I can't focus on anything. Even last summer at a music festival there is a picture of me sitting on the ground and playing on my phone. I have that picture on a wall in my dorm because I thought it was funny and cute but thruth is it's sad, it's so ******* sad I've lost myself. I am literally scared to draw. I am literally scared to make art. I don't deserve to be in the design department at my uni, actually for once I think it would be better if I don't get accepted even though I probably did. I miss myself, I am so scared about not becoming the person I dream to be that I completely lost myself I feel like I am paralyzed, unable to actually do anthing that doesn't bring instant dopamine release. How can I learn to be happy again? Like I used to? How can I get back the part that I lost along the way? I don't want to be this person that I've become, but I don't know how to change.I think I'm genuinely miserable, and I literally just realized it. I need to fix this... for myself, even though it feels overwhelming and I don't know where to start. I have to do it for me and for you, for us. We deserve to be happy, so I have to try to fix this                                  ................. I have to