A letter from Dec 28, 2024

Dear FutureMe, hey… i don’t really know what to say. to be honest, i don’t really know what i’m doing. i feel constantly overwhelmed but i also feel like nothing is happening. i feel trapped here in this life, in this house, in this body… i don’t know what im supposed to be doing.. i guess i thought id be further along by now. maybe in my own place, doing the things i want with the people i like… maybe have a boyfriend and someone to have a future with… but i dont. i’m not alone; im never alone; but it feels like it sometimes. i know i have people who love me, and i know the future will be awesome, but getting through the NOW is getting increasingly harder. i’m 18, turning 19 in 2 months. by the time you get this, you’ll be 19, on your way to 20.. i hope you know what you’re doing, because i really don’t know what i’m doing. i feel like im wasting all my time, but at the same time, i don’t know what im supposed to be doing with that time. i’m about to get a job that i don’t want and do my drivers test and just a bunch of things i don’t want to do.. but what am i supposed to do ? i have to make money and i have to drive, but i have no drive. i feel incomplete; like im missing something that everyone else has but i dont. i should be more of an adult by now… im also sick of living with our parents. i love them, but im so sick of it. i just want to do what i want to do when i want to do it without someone breathing down my neck every single step of the way, telling me what i can and can’t do and when i can and can’t do it. i feel like i have no control. no control over my day, my time, or even my life. i know that’s untrue, but it’s how i feel, and feelings aren’t always rational. it’s not always bad, but it’s always… something. it’s always something. i never feel truly at peace, or like i can even have peace. sure, i smile and i laugh and i have good times… but the feeling of constant dread because i know i have to wake up again tomorrow is honestly really draining. i don’t want to do anything anymore. i really don’t. i’m sick of waking up every day in the same house with the same people with the same problems every day. i NEED space; space and time away from everyone. i started talking to someone online recently; a man from the philippines, who is 20, and he’s sweet, but it’s too much. i stopped talking to everyone yesterday… ignoring allie, zolley, zaden… i posted a warning that im disappearing for a bit, but i honestly might just remove everyone and fully isolate. i don’t want to talk to anyone… i guess that’s why im talking to you. you’ll get it, and you won’t judge or have an opinion on me even, because im you, just… younger. i feel safe talking to you… i don’t feel safe talking to anyone else. not mom, not faith, not allie… im sick of everyone, even myself right now.. but not you, because you’re not me, you’re you, but me- whatever. sometimes i think everyone hates me because i sometimes hate myself. i hate the way i talk and act and just the way i am. i’m done being me. i want to be you. i don’t even know who you are, but i hope you’re not me still. anyways… it’s the end of the year, almost the start of 2025… i can’t really think of anything else to add to this, but i hope you’re doing good. i’m not looking forward to reading this, but maybe you are.. or maybe you forgot. sorry for being kind of depressing. maybe you’ll be able to write a happier one for me.. <3 with all the love in the world, 18 yr old you <3