A letter from Dec 22, 2024

Dear future me, or us, you? Idk anymore... nevermind. Ahum let me try that again. Dear future me, I am writing this on December 22, 2024, at 14:42. (finished writing this at 15:02) I'm currently sitting in my room and I'm taking a quick break from studying. I feel like talking about what has happened to you, us, me, the last couple of months, but I know that there's a chance it still hurts, and I don't want to remind you. I hope you have been moving on from all the ****** things I'm going through right now. Or that there's anything else that took away this pain. I've been thinking lately. About why these people, who we used to know so well, would do this to us. If I'm even worth it. If it's all my fault. If I'll ever get over it. If it gets easier. Does it? Do we grow? Or did we just start getting more and more messed up over time? Did we get that glow-up you were working on? Do you still want to be an English teacher? And how are things going with the songs and books? Have you learned how to be kinder to yourself? To forgive yourself? Sometimes I feel like I can’t let go of the guilt and self-blame. I hope by the time you read this, you’ve learned to be at peace with it. Back to what I was saying. I've been thinking, but also I just keep zoning out. Like, constantly. But what concerns me even more, weirdly, is that I barely cry now. 1 or 2 months ago I could've cried over anything. I know it might sound weird, but it worries me. And the panic attacks... I didn't really have them before, it was just a mere thing, but now it happens more and more often and I can barely get them under control. 1 improvement that's starting next year is performance anxiety training. Of course, you already know. How was it? Did it help? I also hope you are more okay when it comes to changes in your life. I know how hard those can be. I also know Roos is soon leaving... How do you feel about that? Have you spent more time with her since, well, today? I realized I'm avoiding talking to her. It just hurts... But I'm not here to be depressing, I guess. I'm here to tell you: Yay! You made it through another year! High five! I'm proud of you. I really am. Now go enjoy your last day of 2025! Bye bye! Cya next year!