A letter from Dec 12, 2024

Dear FutureMe, So now you're 18! that's Crazy!!! Anyway, right now I just turned 17. I've been seventeen for less than one month, and it has not been a great month surprisingly (not). How is college? Which college did you pick? Liberty? Messiah? Gordon? Are you in the Honors Society? Do you have a lot of college friends? Are you still connected with High School Friends? Phew, that was a lot of questions. Kind of boring to read in a future letter, after all, answering questions to someone who will never know the answers is kind of pointless. I would answer your questions, but you haven't asked any. Well, I'll try to guess what you would want to ask me... What are the current events in your life right now? Well, we have an Italian student living with us, and senior year is going ok. More specifically, today SHOULD have been a snow day, but they didn't call it and I am very mad about it >:( and I'm sitting in my 6th period study hall listening to sad music and procrastinating my homework. But anyway, a bit more generally, I've been struggling lately. I feel like I've started to realize that I'm kind of a people pleaser, and I just want others to happy (or at least satisfied) with me, and I can't help but beat myself about it when I feel like I'm not doing enough. The worst part about it is that when I finally do get a positive response from someone, I can't take any joy or pride in it. It feels more like something I owed myself than something I achieved and can be proud of. It's just like your Senior Seminar class on locus of control, but a mix of all the worst parts. I blame myself for everything (Internal locus) but when something does go right, it was just chance and I had nothing to do with it. (external locus) Anyway I've been feeling pretty down lately, trying to heal my relationship with God. I hope you are doing well, or even just better would be pretty good too <3 your past self