A letter from December 5th, 2024

Dear FutureMe,
I'm currently writing this, unsure where I'm headed and laying in my bed. I don't know where I'll end up in life, but I'm sitting here hoping you've figured out the answers I'm searching for. Do you look back at me with understanding, confusion or grief? I'm desperate to know if this confusion has a purpose, if these feelings of uncertainty unravel into clarity. If the failure became success and the procress became the purpose. Did this path lead you to where you hoped to be? Or did it twist and turn into something completely unexpected? I wish I could peek into your world, just for a moment to see if the choices I'm making now have carried you somewhere worthwhile. I wonder if you kept the same dreams or if you found new ones along the way. Even if its just 2 years, I feel like that is the right time you should receive this letter. Because it is your start in everything, being a new you an adult for the first time and you know the reason why you're receiving this is not because of your age. Maybe partly, ofcourse anyone would write a letter to their 18th self. But I just can't fit in, no matter how hard I try. I'm so bad at so many things, I lost my talent in art, and the joy I had in it. I lost friends, interest, motiviation, self love I can't even count it anymore. Maybe there's some people that feel the same? Stupid, ofcourse there are. Honestly I was planning to make this letter just about me, i'm so unhappy with me. I hope God isn't tired of me hearing that. But instead I'm blabbering about a part of nonsense as my first letter. I probably am annoying you right now, its not your first time hearing this afterall. But I'm genuinely curious, do I look different? Do I like myself? Come to think of, what about my friends? Did we all go to our different paths? My bestfriend is leaving this month, and I'll miss her so much since we might only meet again in a few years or maybe a miracle could happen and I'll see her everyday like usually, but I live in the reality. Putting that aside..I'm writing this letter to you because I know you found yourself the moment you receive it. I know you will. I know you're capable of so many things even if you didn't see it in yourself. I know because you never had a piece of everything and always had a part of it, never everything. If it ever does reach everything, I'll only lose it all won't I? I don't know your place in life when you're reading this. Maybe you're in some place im completely unfamiliar with. Do you want to go back to the past? To my present and let the story end there? Don't you want to live a life with a story to tell? I know you won't come on, if you ever did that then you're not me. Let the story continue, even if I'm struggling hard, theres always a last station to things. I know I'm served in pain and confusion. But what can I do other than wait? I can't change a thing now except my mind. And honestly I don't want to continue writing anymore because I have a headache, but then I realise that I'm sending a letter to my future self. So I might as well put in some effort. Theres everything I want to imrpove, and I hope I will. Even if its a short time, I want to be sure I don't forget my dreams. I hope you see the effort I'm making with every decision I'm making now, even when the outcome feels uncertain. I'm afraid of making the wrong choices, of taking a step to nowhere. But maybe you learned that even the wrong turns can lead to the right place in the end. 
See you again, J.