from ash (part 1)

Dear FutureMe, everything has been good but somehow i will destroy it. i think I'm bipolar, i don't know who i am anymore. nothing's changed, just my own head back and forth a thousand times. flora says she loves me and at the party eli and lady said yeah she loves you a lot but at Saturday academy nate told me he heard her tell mel she's going to drop me for a guy. i don't really care but i should. then on thanksgiving after dinner when everyone began to sink back into themselves from the joyous emotional fusion of celebration, she texted me she was drunk with some friends that she hated and she wanted to talk to me. i like her the most when she's intoxicated because she drops her guise and she's confessional and abrupt. this is wrong. i have no excuse to fall for an addict. we were in class once and she said "i wanna hit my wax pen but I'd have to zero it" which apparently means letting the vapor dissolve in your lungs. she would probably quit weed if i only asked and maybe she wants me to. and I've been destroying myself to separate missing and loving because without touch, the act of missing someone diminishes exponentially but i can't not miss someone i love and what can i call love when i feel the empty space with noise. g never calls and i miss him like a dog and i don't know when he's coming back to the city or if he even wants to. perhaps this is selfish but to me the worst part of the election is that it means g may not come to college here because he hates trump. he's compared him to hitler on numerous occasions and i don't know what to say. i still remember that afternoon in the seventh floor lounge when he told us trump was shot he was so happy and it was tim who told us but g was the happiest. well life is short and sometimes I'm scared we will spend it apart because I'd hate to waste the most meaningful connection I've felt in years but maybe the kind of friendship i want simply isn't in the cards for us in this life. yes i would go my whole life without encountering him if we could've met under simpler circumstances in the next life. I've never felt so simultaneously understood and loved by a single person but he'll move too fast and I'll be in this city forever. i don't know what i want from flora but anya is never going to see me as a romantic prospect even though i can't understand why not (I'm pretty enough and I'm more popular than her and I'm better than her at all the things we have in common -- at this point i wonder why I'm attracted to her!). she's completely desperate for a girlfriend but the thought of me liking her makes her silent so i guess I'll just pretend to be all in with flora until anya realizes what she's missing out on. sometimes i forget I'm not white.on the other hand, the only person i think i could truly fall in love with is quinn but i can't because she is from the suburbs like my ex and i can't fall in love with someone far away again because it will destroy me. this is why i keep things professional between us and we haven't hung out since the concert where i turned and she was gazing at me only waiting for me to return her smile, there is something so knowing and mature about her eyes and even my parents love her so what can i do? a question for another life, i tell the white **** at the party that quinn is single when she asks and i watch them exchange numbers and I'll wait for my time.