A letter from Nov 29, 2024

Dear FutureMe, To my dearest Seven, Just like the usual years, I will start this letter by saying, I wrote this when I was 17 years old, and you will receive this by the time you are 18 years old. 18 is quite scary—but so is 17. To the Darlene who will receive this, you are entering a quite different but surely new world. This is from the saddened 17-year-old Darlene. Sending her warmest, although she is at her lowest point right now, to Darlene, who will be 18 years old. For quite some years, ever since I was 12, getting this tradition started is the highlight of my birthday. It makes me look forward to my birthday. It was as if I started this tradition because I know when my birthday comes there will be no grand things to receive or look forward to. That is why I decided to cope with it using this. For this year’s birthday, there was no class; we are on semester break, and I was glad, though at the same time not. Yesterday I did not look forward to my birthday because there’s nothing to look forward to. When this month came, no one in my family actually talked about my birthday, which was sad. Because of that, I lose track of time. Last year I actually talked about how it would be the longest letter to ever receive, but I guess this one’s way longer because this will be so special as it is the letter my legal age, Darlene, will receive. I have A LOT to talk about in this letter. I’ll start by replying to my old letter I received when I was 16. I was hurt that she was hurt, but even before I received the letter, I knew I was hurt. Yes, I hate birthday blues. Yes, Loydi was right; there’s something on your birthday that you will feel the least love for, and he couldn’t be wrong. I don’t hate birthdays in general; it’s just that I hate my birthday in particular. I hate this day. And I hate myself even more. I apologize for writing this and for letting you receive this, but I just have so much on my plate right now that I don’t think straight anymore. Haha. To start off, I’ll start in January, when everything started to go downhill. When Angelo ended things between us on a rainy day on Shaine’s birthday. And I was even hurt more on Sir Rhennie’s birthday because I was disrespected. On February, I started to navigate again, but I cannot deny that I kind of lost myself in the process. But there was a plot twist that happened in that month. I noticed Christine—my biggest plot twist so far. It was when I led the afternoon praise and wished her a happy birthday in a different name, “Angel Mae Gazo." I noticed her during that month, and she added my Kjshirohebi that month too. We became mutuals. I also joined the math fair during that month. March was when I lost it all and gained everything at the same time. I lose a lot of weight. I had lots of tasks on my plate but still managed to keep my sanity together. I won the BFP quiz bee and had cash from BFP and my dad. That was the month I met Son too. This was the month I got to talk to Christine. And interacted with her. April was hard. I ended up losing. I felt like a loser during this month. I was so anxious and in a continuous fight or flight mode. I was still so pressured to pick my SHS Strand and my SHS school. I was torn between staying or leaving. May was swift. It flew so fast. It was in May that I cried a lot. Before the moving up because our speech assignments got mixed up. But I distracted myself by joining mural painting, and we won 3rd place. By the end of May, my dad got scammed for a big amount of money, and I was so depressed about it because of it that I couldn’t celebrate her 18th birthday. When the hot breeze of June finally came, that was when the pressure got built up, and I decided to stay in HCAI but chose the STEM strand. I have difficulty getting myself to sleep with the idea that I am not pursuing what my heart truly wants—which is why I decided to shift to HUMSS. It took a lot of courage for me to do so. I cried myself multiple times to sleep before really accepting that I would be a humanist. July was when class started. It was a very new environment for me. A lot of unusual things happened. My friends are no longer the same. Everyone is pursuing their paths. I do too. I started a no-sugar diet for two weeks and stopped because I lost a lot of weight. August was hard. And harsh. But it was when I got closer to Christine even more. September hurt me so much that I couldn’t bring myself to recognize who I truly am. September was fun, but we did not join MathSci events, and that hits me suddenly: I am no longer the MathSci president, Darlene. It hurts, but that’s the reality. October was even harsher. I couldn’t hate October more. It was such a busy month. November WAS BRUTAL. Even harsher than the 2022 November. I hate this month. This month started with intramurals, in which I lost in a debate competition because of a biased judge. It was like I lost it all. I lost my sanity. I kept on crying and crying. I ended up being unable to join my other competitions. I was hurt, yes. Because in debate it was where I knew I belonged but ended up losing just because of an unreasonable idea. It was when I felt left out. It was when I outgrew a lot of people and enjoyed my own company. November surely was a mess. I joined DSPC but lost or got disqualified instead of banging for 3rd place because of ignorance of the rules. I was hurt. I spent extra time after school for DSPC yet ended up losing. I even spent 400 pesos for the registration fee. I felt like I lost a gamble. And the fact that it happened yesterday, I was even hurt more. Just when I thought this month couldn’t get worse, I still have plenty of tasks to be accomplished. So how am I supposed to finish everything? I also have pending final exams. It was as if I sacrificed a lot just to be disqualified. I was so dissatisfied and disappointed, yes. This may be my first and last DSPC. I don’t know. But ENOUGH with all the bad things that happened this year. The good thing that happened this year was that I GET TO FINISH THE SUNDAYS AND THE ORDINARY TIME. I will be finishing all the Sundays this year as I enter Advent season. I am also in a relationship with Christine right now—the first girl, woman, and lady that I love. The person who altered Darlene entirely. She was the reason why I came out to my family (not yet my dad), and I am the reason why she came out too. I’m so glad I got to meet her. I couldn’t imagine what 2024 would be without her—like Darlene was in a mess the entire year—good thing God gave her Christine to as a gift. Yes, Darlene right now may not be in the best shape nor in the best position to say this to you, but be happy. Please. I love Darlene so much. There are times that I hate myself; often it happens, but I always try my best not to hurt her, because to hurt her means to hurt the younger Darlene. I pray that whatever or wherever you are right now, 18 years old, Darlene, please be happy. I know you are pressured right now to decide where to study and what program to choose, but please take time and just breathe. I KNOW YOU GOT THIS! And you will always get this. Why? Because you are Darlene! Darlene is not weak. She always copes. I will not be ending this letter yet because it’s still 5 pm—my birthday is not yet over! I will be back later. I’m happy that Gaea greeted me and Angelo. Hays, I did not expect him to greet me. I did not celebrate my birthday this year; I just bought myself ice cream and pizza. Though 2024 hurt me so much, I am still looking for something more. For the Darlene that feels less love—you are dearly love, my loves. Happy 18th birthday, Darlene! Continue to grow in God with God. That in all things, may God be glorified. With love, dreams, and greens, Seventeen Darlene