A letter from Nov 28, 2024

Hi baby, It’s been a while, hasn’t its it? Starting a letter with an apology seems lame, but I know you deserve one, so I’m genuinely sorry— lame or not. I’m sorry. You were young, and you didn’t know better, your environment wasn’t helping, the beliefs you were forcing on yourself weren’t helping either, and still I blamed you. I’ve been so hard on you, I can acknowledge that now. You got me to the place I wanted to get to, you did it baby, I knew you were strong, I knew you were capable, but I didn’t truly believe you’d make it happen this fast. For the longest time, it broke me, for the longest time, I let you haunt me. That image of you sobbing on the floor, with the pain of the world on your shoulders, thinking you were alone, when all along it wouldn’t have mattered because you had yourself. And yes, yes, my love, you were alone, we’ve only ever had ourselves anyway, and I understand how hurt you must’ve been, I’ve heard all that you’ve been told, saw the way you’ve been treated, I get it my love. I swear I get it. You chose to do the wrongs you’ve done, and you shouldn’t have, but I swear I get it, I’ve seen and lived through it with you, so I understand fully why it might’ve been a relief. For the longest time, I resented you for it, for the longest time I blamed you and outwardly expressed my hate for you, not realizing I was just like everyone else, not realizing I was proving myself right. I can only now see that you needed me, needed the only person that got you out, the only person you carried out. It was blind faith that took you out, I understand that you weren’t fully trusting, that the love you had for yourself was fraud love, that it still harbored resentment and hate, I understand it, so I know why I carried it with me as I grew. I never thought an apology for myself would be needed until I sit crouched on my bed writing one. Your exit wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t easy I’ll give you that, but you got me here in the end like you promised and I can’t believe that for the longest time I chose to ignore it, I can’t believe I was ever that selfish as I called myself kind on every other person’s tongue. Kindness doesn’t matter if it isn’t directed towards yourself first. I understand that now, but my need for approval overpowered my need for anything else. I’m so sorry my baby, I’m genuinely regretful as to what i’ve allowed you to endure. I’m sorry you had to stomach my wrath and my words all the way through because I know you don’t deserve it. I know a broken little girl, who was just seeing the world for the first time, touching cruelty with her fingertips, and I know she meant well for herself, I know she never meant harm. With every fibre of my heart I apologize, I’m genuinely so sorry my baby, I know if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t even be writing this letter. I can acknowledge we’ve come a long way my love, and I can forgive you with hopes of your forgiveness back. I know your love better than anyone though, and I know you’d have forgiven me, so I hope this heals a child, I hope this heals the girl in us, I hope we can grow to understand that the past shouldn’t define us as much as it should serve as a pillar to help us proceed in life in better form than we previously were in.