A letter from Nov 27, 2024

Dear FutureMe, You went to her grave today.It's been nine years since she left, and it took you this long to go. It hasn't been easy, and despite people saying it gets better with time, it's like something of you went into that grave with her. A part I wish you could get back, but at the same time, it feels like the only person in this universe who needed you when you were like that was her. And maybe she still needs that. It's insane that I still think about her so often, I truly really do miss her. And the rational part of me knows that it wasn't my stupid insensitive comment that took her life, but it has stuck with me, and I am so afraid of getting close to someone and then saying the wrong thing. Because it is embedded in me that I make people leave. I say something and they run the other way, I asked my dad to quit drinking and he told me her loved whiskey more, I said one stupid thing and she ****** herself. I always say the wrong thing, and I wish I could take it back. Hell I wish I could rip you out of your grave and shake you back to life because I just want one last hug, one chance to tell you I'm sorry, one more time to tell you how much I love you and how much I need you to hold on. But I get why you didn't, and I am okay now. I function again, but this day always breaks me, and it makes me angry with you, and sad, and so so so furious that I don't have anyone I love as much as I loved you. We were only 14, we were supposed to have so many years together to find ourselves, we were supposed to study together, and become traveling-animal-rescuers and drink wine in France and graduate and go to parties. You were supposed to be there when my dad left at 15, and when I almost got kicked out of school for acting out, you were supposed to see me and notice that I wasn't holding it together, you were supposed to be there for me when my heart got broken at 18, and when I finally got through my degree, you are supposed to sit next to me and laugh at all of my stupid mistakes, and tell me I'm being too serious or not serious enough. We were supposed to be friends for life, but we were only friends until 14.