A letter from Nov 26, 2024

Dear FutureMe, I already knew that I had to end this, there was no way this would've worked. I always chosen partners that I know from the start that they are impossible to be with, partners who are pathetic, partners who are alcoholics, cheaters, liars and partners who are 16 years older than me. In these 8 years I have been with people who I given access to disrespect me every way possible. Justifying actions in every relationship. I don't know why I continued to make things work with someone who I've not being honest with, who doesn't match my life, my family and everything. Why did I bother to do put this amount of effort just to not be alone. Just to feel I was wanted and loved. I think I just wanted someone to fight for me, to want to be with me despite of everything else. I felt some form of love with all these with different intensities and I just wanted to feel I was worth it. But I'm not worth anything right now. I haven't figured anything about myself, what I want to do or who I want to be and I'm 27 and I still have such a long way to go before I become the person I desire. There is this fear that I won't find anyone, that nobody would love me that way, that I would be alone and I would be afraid. I am already afraid of life and I have nothing real to show for it. Where am I needed? What is purpose? I tried to learn from all these people, trying to make their interest close to mind and seeing if actually liked it or not. I just feel so lost now. I have to heal from this, I have to heal from my own patterns in choosing partners and I have to pick better partners or I would be alone. I am afraid of that. I deserve to happy, I deserve to be chosen but why? Why do I have no one.