A letter from Nov 26, 2024

Dear Future me, Lately, I've been struggling to keep up with my mental health, and it's affecting my academics. I keep dwelling on things that I shouldn't worry about. Sometimes I distract myself to avoid them, and sometimes I just sleep it out, leaving some tasks undone. I've been busy with my own life, dealing with all of this myself. I hate myself, i don't understand why i am like this? I hate the way i am. I keep acting strong for only in the end, I'll just cry it out. And, suddenly i started to cry while writing this. Despite being surrounded by people, I often feel like I'm carrying this heavy burden alone, thinking that "no one cares, so shut up" which makes it harder for me to reach out for help. Even when i try to, it just feels like I'm asking for attention, it feels overwhelming trying to open up. In the end, I'll just regret what I've just said to them. My mom once said to me, "Di ko na problema yan" Andd, yeahh that made me realize that it's my own, not theirs. I realized that i'm the only one who can understand myself, No One Cares—move on with life. I wish you were here teah:(( i always wanted to talk to you, that's all i could ever ask. That's the only things that i wish, right now. I miss you so muchಥ﹏ಥ Andd, The more I try to ignore these feelings, the heavier they seem to grow, making everything harder. I wish I could find the strength to break this cycle, but right now, it feels like I'm trapped in an endless loop of my own making. I'm used to hugging my pillows so i can feel like I'm hugging someone else. I'm used to talk my self, and answering them like a different person. I always listen to music to calm Myself down. I love sleeping, it feels like I'm I'm disappearing for a moment. I always imagine our life together, ain't that great? My life feels so dead, just one random happiness then after it, a vast emptiness follows like a shadow that never leaves me alone. hoping that in small, everyday details, I'll find some spark to reignite my Life. The constant struggle to find Happiness becomes draining and exhausting, for me. Still, somewhere deep within, there's still hope, a quiet promise that maybe tomorrow will bring a brighter day. —Sayo-nara, Ruger.— 21/11/24