A letter from Nov 25, 2024

Dear FutureMe, Hello future me. Here I go again writing this letter to you. It’s 1:45 am and I’m in bed thinking. Thinking of many things that I don’t want to think about. It’s been exactly two years since I last wrote a letter to myself. Unfortunately, I’m in the same position. I still feel sad. I still don’t understand why I feel like this. I’m doing everything that would make a person happy but why am I not happy. I feel so disappointed at myself. I have some great friends, I’m traveling, I have a job, my family is healthy. This year has been fun but at the same time sad as well. This year I finally accomplished something I was looking forward to which was lose weight and try clothes on without being scared. I thought once that happened I was going to feel happy but that’s not the case. Why didn’t I feel accomplished, instead I felt numb. I decided to enroll back to school to get my life together and I even tried tricking myself in thinking that I finally know what I want to do but that soon ended. I’m stuck in the same spot I was last year, the year before, the year even before that and so on. I have this feeling deep inside that feels so voided and sad. I feel so alone like always. I tried to do other things to get distracted and it works for a moment but I end falling back in this sad circle. As the weekends come up, I do what other people my age do which is go out and drink with friends. It’s all fun as the night begins, dancing at the club and laughing. Out of no where I start observing and start feeling the sensation that I don’t matter. It’s hard to describe but basically it’s the feeling that I’m just on the sidelines all the time. That my presence doesn’t really matter. I see everyone enjoying each other’s presence and I stand there observing how they have each other and I’m not needed. All I do is pretend to smile and act like I’m happy but in reality I just want to go and crawl into my bed and cry. As soon as I step in the Uber back home, I get even more sad. Start thinking about everything including how much I hate myself. I really hate myself, there was one time on my way back drunk from a night out, I tried so hard not to cry but it was too much too in and had to let it out. I remember crying all the way back home. I was crying because I kept remembering how alone I really am and I how much I hate myself. Really really deep inside of me I want someone to realize how sad I feel but I hate sharing my feelings with people. I don’t ever share my feeling with no one, no one knows how I feel or what I’ve been going through for years. My eating disorder is coming back again. It was always there but I was controlling it a bit but now I can’t control it again. I keep eating while thinking of the calories I’m eating. I cant stop eating without feeling guilty. I keep eating my stress away. As for now 11/25/2024 I hate looking myself in the mirror again. I’m gaining all the weight I had lost. Pound after pound being gained as a binge eat everyday. I’m feel my clothes tight again and it makes me disgusted at myself….. Anyways that is some part of everything I’m going through there’s still more. To cut it short I feel like a failure, I feel ugly, I feel sad, I feel mad, and I feel tired.