A letter from Nov 22, 2024

Dear FutureMe, I am currently sixteen while writing this to you. If you're still around which I assume you'll be, you're seventeen. It doesn't seem all that distant yet sort of unreal. Today wasn't the greatest of a day I've had. I've been once again told the same thing that I've been hearing thorough most part of highschool – that I'm wasting my potential. I can't uphold my word. I can feel it, too. While writing used to be so easy for me, I'm struggling the tiniest bit writing this now. I feel my English slipping away from me, even. I do acknowledge the factors contributing to my downfall, but I can't shake off the feeling of it being my fault, because it somewhat is, however you put it. Perhaps I'm defining this merely by what other people assume this is and maybe I'll find out in a year that you have had outgrown this part in life and got back on track, regaining your spark and that you have found a way to put it in a different way. I don't expect you to accomplish everything we wish we could – if you do, I'm immensely proud of you. If you don't, I am still proud of you. I can't possibly know what will take place in a year of time, but I'll never lose my ability to understand. I hope your passion returns just for the sake of you. I personally am having an insanely hard time keeping it together and trying to stay. I hope it's different for you. I hope you don't succumb to the comfort of feeling miserable as it is what we've known for all our life. I hope life has opened different paths for you and welcomed you on the road to contentness and happiness. I hope our house will be finally a home. I wish you'll be everything we wish to be. I know the pain of disappointing everyone around you. I despise the feeling of the perception I assume the people around me have of me. I wish I could try harder. People don't understand, but it's not as if it's their job to do so. But to be fair, I'd at least appreciate some acknowledgement. I have been nothing but understanding all my life. I do know that when faced with a struggle, people tend to do the most to get out of it and it solely serves as their drive. But I feel unable to. I want out, very badly. But it works in an opposite way for me. I just run to the comfort of my bed, sleeping it all away. I'm sorry I can't honor my word. I thought I'd be able to. After everything that had taken place this summer, I seriously didn't think I could feel worse. But I was quick to succumb. I don't want this to be my legacy forever, serving as justification. I want to be someone better. I didn't use to have dreams, but now I have. They won't come to fruition by the time you read this, but I wonder if they'll be the same. Do you still wish to be an attorney, or have you chosen a different path in life? I always thought it's what I'd love to do the most and I still think so. But the deeply rooted factor was my questionable morality. It can all turn out to be a phase and I might be surprised to find out that you're a normal, empathetic human after all. I think you are. I think I am. I think this false persona just overdid it so much to the point where I have convinced myself that I don't have a heart, only because my body and mind has had lost the ability to cry. Have you regained it? I'm thinking hard about therapy. As of right now, we're finally going to have some money for some time, so there's a chance I'll be able to allow myself it. Speaking about money, I wonder how will it be spent. Is Mom still an alcoholic? Do you drink regularly? Have you touched substances again? My sober streak is three months. Is it more or less by then? I am not trying to interrogate you, obviously, I'm simply curious. This will be kept confidential for the time being, after all, which makes me wonder if you're still so secretive and closed off about your struggles. I don't remember the last time I've genuinely poured my heart out to someone. I think this to be a mistake on my part. I only treat my struggles serious when alone. People think I'm really mental for that. How's the situation with your friends, anyway? As for me, things regarding them are going well so far. Despite the abrupt change that I had thought to be a guaranteed fallout, we actually engage more than last year, and I could not be more thankful for that. The only problem is with M and J, but I understand that I have done all I could. Are you still friends with them? Are you still friends with I, K, M, N, Z, and J? I for sure hope you are. Do you have any new friends? This might sound silly, but I have been silently hoping for a reconciliation with M. But he has changed a lot. I don't think it to be possible anymore. His birthday was a few days ago, didn't even respond to my wishes. There's nothing to be done about that unfortunately, I suppose. Oh, and have you met up with L? She's supposed to come to Poland this March. Also, speaking of lighter subjects, how about your appearance? Has your hair fallen out due to the bleaching that I'm planning to have? Did you rock the silver hair? Did you get the piercings I wanted, or have you got something else? I will not accept "none" as a response. This is getting long, so as an ending point, I'll just say that I'm sorry to everyone for the way I am being. I just hope that the future person reading this is better than I am. Or maybe she has completely changed her perspective and doesn't blame me for that anymore. I am not as hateful toward myself as I may sound. I still like to think I'm clever and haven't reached the bottom. But in a year I hope to be something more to myself than just intelligence and waste of potential. Stay safe. Take care. I love you. J