A letter from Nov 20, 2024

Dear me, Good evening girl! Today is November 20th of 2024, gloomy and windy day in the city of Springfield, Missouri. Let's start with school, today you failed to register for the classes that you needed for your second semester in college- you kind of feel like a failure and cried under a broken booth light for a couple minutes. Not because I wanted to not have those classes, but because I was last in line to register so I wasn't even given the opportunity. Tomorow, I leave for Thanksgiving/ fall break; I am excited (sure). After that, I take my finals for my first set of courses, so congratulations!! You did somewhat accomplish something. Then comes Winter break, and I cannot wait to bed rot for a month in my bed at home (unwillingly). I do not have hope for you in the future, I can say I do but deep down I truly do not. You try and try and fking try- yet everybody is passing you up, aren't they? I bet it's not easy, and I doubt that you have yet to make a single friend. Because let's be honest, who wants to talk to somebody whose rude, uncharismatic, lifeless, unlovable. Who would honestly want to talk to you? You quit your job because they "weren't scheduling you". Why was it really? Because you felt that younger you did not deserve it, it came to easy upon you- so of course it sucked! Nothing gets handed to you for free. You just had an anniversary with your boyfriend, hopefully when you receive this that things will be better between the two of you. Because after a year and a half- I am fking done explaining myself and begging for the bare minimum in a long-distance relationship, as much despair that I know I have inside for myself, I know that I have a glorious amount of love to give to somebody else, but I simply cannot!!! when they act like they are right now. Every bone in my body is screaming to slap his *** and sent him on his own way- but I will not because for some reason I feel like I should stay around. I really do not understand why. I am tired of being treated like a lovesick dog on the side of an alley. I tell myself over and over again that one day I will stop caring, but that's not me? Whatever (in the words of my beloved). You applied to become an RA, hopefully the day that you open this you will be sitting peacefully alone in your empty room when this notification comes up. It is the least the world can offer me at this point. I hope that you are better in the head, maybe you finally got a therapist who is helping you not tear yourself down every second that you take a breath. And maybe you finally got a new music taste, cause to be honest I am sorta getting sick of the same ole' tune over n' over. Maybe you will never read this, we have had one goal since we learned how to read- to be gone. Maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe. that's all the world is filled with, isn't that hilarious? Maybe you won't wake up the next day feeling like you swallowed your heart to your uterus, maybe it won't feel like your brain is jumping out the back of your skull just to get the fk out of this place. Maybe your feet and heart will actually walk towards the same thing for once, maybe you'll just stay in one place again. Who knows!? So exciting. All in all, you need to do better to be better. In the best regards possible, Yourself <3