A letter from November 17th, 2024

Dear FutureMe, This is mostly jusy gonna be me trying to work out my thoughts as I'm typing cause idk what is going on up in my brain rn. I miss mum. I think. It's hard to tell. And I don't think it's really that I MISS her. I can go see her whenever I want. All I have to do is ask to go over on the weekend. I think what it is is that I miss feeling wanted or needed by her. Before she and dad split I don't think this sorta thing would have rly bothered me. Obviously because different circumstances and stuff, and I was younger and didnt think into things like this that much. And because she was around all the time taking time out together wouldn't have meant as much. Ofc on the times we did go out and do stuff together I loved it. I'm not saying I didnt. I think I probably just wouldn't have thought abt doing stuff together as much. Our personalities clash a lot, and we don't seem to get on for longer periods of time. And for the longest time, that's definitely messed with my view of mum. But since we haven't seen eachother much, and when we have, we've gotten on for most of it cause it's only been a few days, I've found myself wanting to spend more time with her. And that leads me to why I've started this. I may want to spend more time with her and do all the fun stuff with her (especially now it's Christmassy time), but it feels like she doesnt really actively want or need me around anymore. She's found 'surrogate families', as ive been calling them to myself, and I'm just sort of left on the backbench. When I see her interacting with Lauren, whether in real life or on her facebook posts, it feels like she acts with her like shes the daughter figure she wanted, rather than the inconsistent anxious wreck she ended up with (Oh look. there i go. crying again. what is wrong with me. why can i just suck it up and get over it. thats what i tell everyone im so good at. ignoring the problem till it goes away. shut myself off from it so it cant affect me.) Everytime i see her posts of her spending time with her surrogate families i feel a massive wave of jealousy. and I just keep asking myself 'Where am i? Why didnt you want to do that with me?' And maybe its my fault. In fact a part of it, who knows how much, is definitly my fault. I did my **** best to push her away when things were tough. Its the only way i know to deal with things. like i said earlier. i push things away until the problem is gone instead of dealing with it. I think i get that from her to be honest. Ive seen it in her so much. Though i could never say that to her. shed just say it sounds like something dad has said, or nanny helen has said. as though theyre manipulating me. Am i not allowed to have my own opinions? A lot of the time it feels like she treats me like a child who doesnt understand anything about the world. And yes. I'm still young. But I am an adult. Sometimes i wonder if ive had to grow up too fast with the depression and anxiety and self harm and everything. but thats a thought process for another time. I just wish mum would stop seeing me as an incompetent child, and see me as someone who can still have valuable insight, even if im not always right. Everyone can have insight, and even if most of its wrong, there are still things you can take from it, even if its the tiniest thread, that can give you something new to think about. Im not a child. Yes i have days where i struggle to get up and get dressed, or I only have the energy to do a couple minor tasks in a day if that. But thats because I'm a person with problems who struggles. not because im acting like a child. Im doing my best. she doesnt seem to get that. This has gone way off topic. Idk. maybe ill send this to mum. Communication is key and all that. If I dont ill get this in a year. TTYL Future me. I hope it gets better x