Dear FutureMe,
Things have come and gone, and a lot has changed, i’ve got to say.
You’re finally comfortable being catholic, so way to go girlie! Keep strong.
Also i’m so in love with Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly. Like i don’t even want a Jim in my life I just wanna be Pam,
if that makes any sense?
Oh well…
Epilogue
2 months later
Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard...
Oelyusrf eht dna see cediyltr obtau is ouy wnok mkigna uyo ese who noe to uyo henw hrcuhc iregdesa ihwt is eht ins… intlagk lla raspt het fo oyu smoe oecr wldro sthroe.
Semo taenm jstu i eerw sgseu ot nstqeiou eoelpp. .
D’etnos vebiele ttah mnae uyo otd’n. Sono sak you hyw os dowhsodaever do uyo aer tgul,i oh dna hwo imtse by hrtee vieleeb os eb!evlie h,gso eulroyfs uhcm oyu oyu nw,he elebeiv mhuc od. Ebeleiv uyo hmcu dewhsi os you din’td iemts ehnw.
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I fsklo fo eeelntm gut nhwe at repo tbu tish to baout to our ugtli awy intkh tiecrdly tnernhie nngthiya oihtlcac ti’s it lreongii tlak aemyb ielk hsi ihhwc sa gieatevn wnihti the pnetsrree n’tdsoe ustj. Imh ot ot corsel lpul su. .
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Eenv teg ae,ydnon ppsddaeo,tiin dna m’i oshet,n i nogdi to grtih rfwokisre no ,dma cbeasue ocem nveyetrhig be. Chruch wehn mi’ on at oehrnvwliemg oecm iegsnefl. Tfc,a lla tnha yhnms a dna raettm esltignin rfo ervy fo to to kieyll i ,itsh ogsn srory erom a sudac ’mi sa ohste ltsinneig feel lyuc. Sertaufdrt mi’.
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Ti si to uoy efka“ make my ti” lit apnl utb. Thta i eevr ti eesubac uldco rniagnedi ton ehsginotm si gaiknf fof em ntiiwh bfelie keahs ym budto i os. L’li tuoyh ot s’crhhuc me yug leik dna hngit dan oerppr yarp mryar deb ryeev eb twno’ nasyud eorbfe kle,i a og adn tusj, ruo adn nice, veery skid btu nda hte to ot og grpou fss…enco apry huhrcc. Ti larely toubd nhigts i is ttah e?b woh lwil. I lgris klei oot. Nndou i. Btu ll’we see.
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for those who wanna read the epilogue but don’t have premium (as I): “Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard to see yourself when you know some core parts of you directly disagree with the church and all you see others talking about is how the world is the one making you sin…
I guess some people were just meant to question. That doesn’t mean you don’t believe. Oh gosh, and how do you believe! You believe so much there are times when, soon overshadowed by guilt, you ask yourself why do you believe so much. Times when you wished you didn’t believe so much.
When folks talk about catholic guilt I like to think of it as this inherent element within our religion which doesn’t represent anything directly negative but maybe it’s just His way to tug at the rope. To pull us closer to Him.
To be honest, I get annoyed, disappointed, even mad, because I’m doing everything right and no fireworks come. No overwhelming feelings come when i’m at church. As a matter of fact, and I’m very sorry for this, I likely feel more listening to a Lucy Dacus song than listening to all those hymns. I’m frustrated.
But my plan is to “fake it til you make it”. Not faking my belief because that is something so ingrained within me I doubt I could ever shake it off. But to just, like, go to church every sunday and go to the church’s youth group and pray every night before bed and confess… And i’ll marry a nice, proper guy and pray our kids won’t be like me. Is that how things really will be? I doubt it. I like girls too. I dunno. But we’ll see
Letter Author:
18 days ago