Dear FutureMe,
Things have come and gone, and a lot has changed, i’ve got to say.
You’re finally comfortable being catholic, so way to go girlie! Keep strong.
Also i’m so in love with Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly. Like i don’t even want a Jim in my life I just wanna be Pam,
if that makes any sense?
Oh well…
Epilogue
2 months later
Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard...
Kown is uoy ohw fo pstar hruhcc thsoer eon si aotbu you see ouy eht nweh ni…s ot gklntia all htwi omes yuloresf owlrd gamnik ocre deaesgri dlectryi uyo eht het adn ees.
Ot meos utjs peeopl susge i wree nuetiosq ametn. .
Nodt’ uoy eman tath eeeblvi ’eonsdt. Eeeilvb itsem uyo od herte yhw aer hcum eedrhovadwos muhc so do ewnh, iblee!ev fusloery owh so i,ulgt vibelee oyu oyu oosn o,ghs adn uoy oh by ska. Ouy nhwe hmuc ebeelvi ’iddnt swdihe eitsm so uyo.
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Hewn eelmtne eilk shi hntgyina ebyam ta hwihc st’i thkin eetgianv lcdyetir aktl tsuj to nhetiern to of tub oahtccli ithnwi etrpsrene ywa as the i oflks sthi tgu roep uoabt rou nrliogei liutg n’toesd ti. Srlceo su imh ot lupl to. .
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To nda eb fkerroswi i rhtig acbseeu a,dm saedponip,itd yno,edan even on cmoe reeityvhng gdnoi ’mi e,oshtn etg. Ceom newh hmgorvnleiew i’m ta hcruhc on ngsefile. Kyliel udacs as neigntisl ot yevr rfo lal hsoet tearmt i ot lcuy ,afct roem s,hti mnhsy i’m fo lfee a nhta rsroy dna nosg nlgtniesi a. Atsurrfedt mi’.
.
To it but ti” my si emak keaf“ til uyo lanp. Heska ffo tno em erev giaendnri cuaeebs i fbeeil i fnkiag ahtt mintghose odulc bdtou si inwthi ym ti os. J,tus gyu ill’ rugpo og dna sduany ncie, and yerve uro deb hucrhc yarp el,ki adn rc’ucshh to ot be hnigt a own’t rbeeof dna teh go me veyre but ofenc…ss oreppr to nda prya ryram otyuh kiel idks. Nsgiht owh ?be is i ellary utdbo lliw taht ti. Oot keil lgsir i. Unnod i. Ees tub l’lwe.
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for those who wanna read the epilogue but don’t have premium (as I): “Honestly I have no idea what you meant with the “I don’t even want a Jim” bit but sure!
The catholic thing is forever a hardship of course. It’s hard to see yourself when you know some core parts of you directly disagree with the church and all you see others talking about is how the world is the one making you sin…
I guess some people were just meant to question. That doesn’t mean you don’t believe. Oh gosh, and how do you believe! You believe so much there are times when, soon overshadowed by guilt, you ask yourself why do you believe so much. Times when you wished you didn’t believe so much.
When folks talk about catholic guilt I like to think of it as this inherent element within our religion which doesn’t represent anything directly negative but maybe it’s just His way to tug at the rope. To pull us closer to Him.
To be honest, I get annoyed, disappointed, even mad, because I’m doing everything right and no fireworks come. No overwhelming feelings come when i’m at church. As a matter of fact, and I’m very sorry for this, I likely feel more listening to a Lucy Dacus song than listening to all those hymns. I’m frustrated.
But my plan is to “fake it til you make it”. Not faking my belief because that is something so ingrained within me I doubt I could ever shake it off. But to just, like, go to church every sunday and go to the church’s youth group and pray every night before bed and confess… And i’ll marry a nice, proper guy and pray our kids won’t be like me. Is that how things really will be? I doubt it. I like girls too. I dunno. But we’ll see
Letter Author:
9 months ago