Push Me forward, Push me Backward!

Dear Me as an English Graduate: I know that I have not yet been healed completely. And, I must be more prepared before the scholarship, but it is certainly better than last year for a record thanks to my respectful Filipino friends that I met in Singapore. Sometimes I wonder if I am a problem here. I do feel that rumination does help me a lot to be meticulous about my self-development and confident of my competence. But, it has lately turned out to be that they just avoid me, luckily not ignore me, because of my overthinking. I thought I had already expressed myself thoroughly before feeling acceptable in the group. I did ask my mum about hanging out with them for the first time because I did feel a genuine sensation towards our connection. They silently told me that they disagreed with my work. For me, it is normal to have a debate during work, but it seems that they avoid being near me every time we work together. I don't mind, but my overthinking has somewhat triggered me. I do manage to have self-control (better than I expected). I didn't know how they got the picture of the whole conclusion without saying out loud. It was like me only who didn't understand their body language. Isn't it normal to opine? It somewhat brings me to tears whenever I think of the declaration. The former feeling comes back again. I don't wanna think of myself as a problem or burden. And, now, I have already been able to be alone with myself without relying on my close friends at night. It is a blessing. I fear that I will crumble again. I don't wanna hear my mum ask me about my mental health. She always thought like I would do wrong to my own self, which was an unreasonable idea. I have read a lot of books and research. I've got the scholarship. I've got my very very dear high-school friends of mine. I've got my beloved family. If I did that, it would be unreasonable. But, it's just hard to be carefree and independent whenever that hits me. Perhaps. I do hope that I will be stronger when you, myself, read this. You must cope with emotions and social anxiety better than now because there are a lot of people out there outside the country I will meet. And, I really hope that you can read Ancient Greek and Latin as well as French. For Italian, you would probably try to read La Divina Commedia. And also, Chaucer is waiting for you to read The Canterbury's Tales in Middle English. And last but not least, please have a chance to meet more great people to be with! Love you when you sing so loud, lol.