A letter from Nov 11, 2024

Dear Future Jaden, I hope this letter finds you well. I hope it finds you in a happy moment. I hope you are happy. As for me, I’m doing fine. In this exact moment, I’m sitting in my bedroom, listening to Heart to Heart by Mac Demarco (You should listen to it while you read this.), contemplating life, and writing this for my seminar class. I hope you’re still around to get this letter. If you are, that means you’re still living proof of our resilience but don’t forget that it’s okay to not be okay. What are you doing with your life? I hope you’ve accomplished whatever Future Me has wanted to accomplish. Currently there are a few things I want to learn and accomplish. I want to become a better writer and a better coder/programmer. Right now I have a small dream of becoming an indie game developer. I want to change the world, for the better, through gaming and through my game. I’m thinking about participating in E-Sports at Jackson College and playing smash there like I did for my senior year. Speaking of that, has the new switch console been released yet? Is it cool? Better than the switch? I know you can’t respond but it’s cool to wonder. I’m getting off topic. I want to make the world a better place and create an amazing game, but I’m not good at coding or writing right now, so I’m working on it. I want to learn how to play the bass guitar right now. I want to learn how to garden. I want to learn how to play piano better. These are small things and goals I have. How is school? Are you still in school? Are you still in Jackson? Michigan? Did you end up moving to Texas? If you did, I hope you like it there. I hope you’ve made friends. What about Tynise? Cierra and LJ? Mia, Kyson, Thja? Eva, Bailey, Rachel, Ana, Gavrik? Do you still remember Chris? The super cool Emo guy I have a crush on? Did we get catfished again like Kenzo? I hope not. I hope you’re still friends with all those people. Do we have a partner? I hope we do. I get lonely and I can only imagine how desperate I would be if I still didn’t have one next year. Wherever you are, and whoever you’re friends with, I hope all of you are happy. I hope our family is well. I hope everybody gets along and there is no drama. I love all of them. I hope you’re healthy. Mentally and physically? Have we started working out? Please tell me we aren’t overweight. If you need to workout, please get up and get to it! Don’t let us get too far down the rabbit hole!! Do we still have our morals? Are we still a “good person”? Are we a good shade of gray? I will include my journal entries but I just hope we’re still empathetic and caring. I hope we’re still willing to risk our lives to save another. I hope we’re compassionate. But I also hope that I’m taking better care of myself. I hope I learned and I’m still learning self-love. I hope I’m not beating myself up for every single tiny mistake I make. I’ll include my journal entries in case you’ve forgotten, near the bottom. Like I said Future Jaden, generally I hope this letter finds you well. I hope you’ve achieved goals and you’re setting new ones. I hope you’re following your dream. I hope you still love Super Mario Galaxy and Crumbl. I hope you still love being around your loved ones, being outside, making stupid TikToks and going on late night drives. I hope you have your compassion and your sanity. I hope life is well for you. Thank you for reading my letter. Maybe try writing another new one for another year from now and we can make this a trend. The website I’m using is futureme.org. Okay then, I have some other assignments to get to. Have a good one. Love, Past Jaden [Jaden Caldwell 6/17/2024 I wish there was a way, for me to go back to a different time. A time where I didn’t hate myself or think of myself as a failure. A time where I felt loved and I was able to love. A time where I felt like I stacked up to the people around me and I felt like I belonged. But the thing is, even if I could go back, I wouldn’t belong there anymore. 6/18/2024 Is it okay to have a resentment towards others who haven’t wronged you? In strange and specific circumstances and situations that have brought them into some spiral of despair? Innocent bystanders that have the unfortunate fate that became intertwined with someone else. Is it okay to feel a certain, even more neutral way towards them? 6/24/2024 It’s easy to get lost in your own thoughts, guilt, anxiety, and troubles if you don’t think about the good things as well. Thinking about Love is a great way to combat all of this. It runs so deeply and through everything. Love is what helps us all. Romantic or Platonic Love. Self Love or Familial Love. Generational Love and Societal Love. Love Endures. Love against Money. Love is Sacrifice. And how to love when inevitably, you’re going to die. It makes me think about how important understanding love is, and how it’s also important to tell everybody you love them so your will and your love runs through them even when you’re not there. 6/28/2024 I think I’ve lost my sense self and I’ve been desperately trying to find it. Grasping at straws. Maybe I didn’t lose it, and I’m just now realizing I never had it. Who am I? Who is “Jaden Caldwell”? I have a fear that, it may never be found. I’ll never get a happy ending. In another universe, I found it, I’m happy. In love with my partner and friends. I feel loved there. Here though, in this universe, I’ll cherish what I do have and try my best to keep my head up. 7/9/2024 It’s hard, going through life and realizing that you aren’t the type of person people fall in love with. That you’re made to fit a different role. I try to stay optimistic and try not to let my smile falter too much, but even with as happy as I come off, I get jealous and a little bitter towards my friends who are in happy relationships. I hope only the best for them but sometimes I have a selfish wish. A wish where I want it to be me. Despite this, I will do my best to pursue and obtain the life I want and desire. Despite the universe throwing everything at me, I will remain steadfast. I deserve it. I owe it to him and to myself. I’ll keep up this pursuit. 7/10/2024 My Dad died 2 years ago. Life really is full of pain. It’s full of pain and depression and anxiety and fear and distrust. But like I said earlier, if you focus on that, it’ll get you nowhere. Don’t focus on those aspects of life. Experience them and all the emotions that they bring and dwell on them. But don’t focus your entire being on them. Because life is also full of love, and beauty. It really is full of laughter and compassion and happiness too. All of this works together to create an experience. My Dad died 2 years ago. I don’t necessarily like myself or where I’m at in life. But I’m grateful that even though I don’t like it, I can see clearly where I am for the first I time. I might not know where to go or what to do, but I know I have the opportunity to create paths. I’m grateful, even in the midst of my chaotic life, for clarity. I say focus on trying new things, meeting new people, doing things that generally please you. Try helping people, that brings happiness to others and yourself. It’s also important to keep in mind, that it’s okay to feel afraid. I’m always afraid. But I try not to let that get in the way of me being a good person, and trying new things. It’ll all work itself out in the end. 7/12/2024 My thoughts have been so cloudy. Despite my best effort to not get stuck in this sadness, I can’t seem to get out of it. I’m not happy, and nothing has really been making me happy. My nightmares have been worse than ever! I know he doesn’t hate me, I know my friends don’t hate me, I know my family don’t hate me, I know the world doesn’t hate me, but what’s going on in my head is saying something different. I know I’m loved. I surround myself with good people. Give me my mind back now. I’m not broken yet though. I’m still stronger than ever. I was strong back then, and I’ll be strong now. I just have to wait until this passes over. The voices and sounds have been loud but I just need to focus more, and everything will be okay. I know that. 7/19/2024 I think I understand now why I'm consumed by anxiety every waking moment. The pressure from my family and friends is overwhelming. I follow their commands, striving to do my best in everything, genuinely trying to be there for them. But beneath it all, I'm unraveling. I constantly try to make everybody happy, be the model person, be enough, keep them happy…but the more pressure that’s put on me, I put on myself, and the more I put on myself, the more I mess up and make mistakes in every aspect of my life. I think it stems from something deeper, a profound sense of worthlessness if I fail to help or be of service. It's always, "Give it to your brother, he's older, he can handle it." And I wonder, who am I if I can't? "Give it to Jaden, he's so strong, let’s see if he can endure a little longer." Underneath, my nerves are frayed, and it only gets worse. It feels like a delicate line of dominos, where a light breeze sets everything tumbling, no matter how hard I try to stop it. If only I could shake off this crushing weight of expectations, maybe I could find freedom—freedom to think, to feel joy, to relax, to find simple pleasures. But instead, we are constantly measured by this growing relentless pressure. And it grows and grows until all that remains is pressure. "Give it to him and never wonder if the same pressure would’ve pulled you under ." Who am I if I don’t have what it takes? I can’t afford to have any cracks or breaks. I truly love them, I truly wanna be a help, and I truly try to be there every single time but sometimes, it’s unbearably hard. Sometimes, I selfishly wanna refuse. 7/22/2024 Everyday I wonder now, where did I go wrong? What am I doing that’s so wrong and evil and cruel and malicious where it’s now to the point my bad thoughts consume me more everyday. I’m not naive. I’m an optimist but my naivety isn’t that severe. I know the world isn’t just black and white like that. I know and I speak about how it’s good, great even, to talk about love and do the things that make you happy and be a good person, but even that can be toughest thing sometimes when you’re at rock bottom. Not too long ago, I felt so genuinely happy and content with my life. I felt strong. But now, I look in the mirror and don’t recognize what’s staring back at me. Most of the time, I hate looking at it because the face I see is just a reminder that I’m not good enough. Compared to everything, everybody, and every little thing that pops up on my phone ***** my self esteem. Every post I see of happy relationships or happy people make me feel bitter and cold and I hate that. I’m not a jealous person but I know how I feel. I can’t keep hiding behind an excuse forever. But instead of talking or posting about it, I cover up all of my amplified insecurities with a smile. For some reason every single one of my insecurities have been amplified or “cranked up” up to the max. My fear of being forgotten and disliked, my hatred for myself, my looks, and my personality, my paranoia, my anxiety, it’s all just been too much to bear. I feel like I'm drowning in my own thoughts, unable to come up for air. The person I used to be, the person who was strong and happy, feels like a distant memory, someone I can barely remember. But even as I write this, I know that I have to fight. I have to find that spark within me that used to burn so brightly. Maybe it's buried under all this negativity, but it's still there, somewhere. I have to believe that I can find it again, that I can rebuild myself from the ground up. I won't let my insecurities define me. I won't let my fears control me. I have to take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Maybe it's about finding small moments of joy, little victories that can remind me of who I am and who I want to be. So today, I promise to be kinder to myself. To look in the mirror and find one thing I like, even if it's just a small thing. To remember that everyone has their struggles, even those happy faces on social media. And to keep pushing forward, no matter how hard it gets. Because deep down, I know I deserve happiness. I know I deserve to feel good about myself. And I know that I have the strength to get there, even if it takes time. 7/30/2024 Maybe I’ve done enough. I’ve tried everything I can. Times finally catching up to me. All those bad moments and memories I’ve been pushing down, trying to forget about, storing away, have all come back. It’s all I feel now. I think I’ve done enough. I’ve been so optimistic my entire life. But even though I say one thing, doesn’t really mean I mean it. I’ve become such a good liar that I’ve been believing my own lies. My friends have been making fun of me as usual. I’m always getting blamed for something. And when I try to do new things like I say, it doesn’t work. I don’t have an interest. My obsessive tendencies are all here and just as bad as always. I put all my eggs into one basket and they all get broken. I finally see myself, for who I really am, through the eyes of no one else. Unabridged and overwhelmed. Utterly unworthy of love. It’s a mess of a story that I’m ashamed to tell. I only want what’s real and to let my heart feel what it feels. I only want what’s real. Still though, this is what my mind tells me. My heart tells me something different. That I know better than anybody that things can get better but it takes time. It takes hope. I have to remain optimistic. I have to keep my hope. I’ll find it. 8/12/2024 Today I found out my Mother went to go see my older sister up in Canton. They spoke about the past, the present; and the future. Our family hasn’t been the same since my Dad had passed. After he left us, my mom started talking to Craig. It was so soon, so sudden, and so strange. I didn’t know how to feel. On way hand, my heart, my compassion wanted to be happy for my mom. On the other hand, my brain, my thinking, my logic wanted me to be angry that she was moving on so fast. Being inconsiderate towards the people who needed the most help. After I expressed my dilemma with her, I was told that I needed to be happy for her and no matter my thoughts or feelings, what they had was happening. I couldn’t do anything about it. This put me in a spiral of anger and hatred for their relationship while also having a deep regret for having these feelings towards them. My brain and my heart were fighting and I didn’t know what to do. So I stayed silent. I didn’t tell anybody. I kept it all to myself like I always did. Me and my siblings, we each went through a different feeling but today was the day I she told me she was sorry for how she acted back then. How inconsiderate she was and how she handled it all. She explained her thought process behind it. She told me that her and my older sister are working on building their relationship back up. I’m happy. I’m very happy. But for some reason, deep deep down, there’s a part of me that’s a little bitter. That’s still holding a grudge. I want to be happy fully, and get rid of this feeling but I know I have to let it linger there. Still though, my hope, my optimism, my love for everything and everyone might have things finally starting to look up for me. 8/15/2024 When people I don’t know say things about me, I don’t know how to feel. I always desire to see how I’m perceived by everybody else in my life. I’m scared of what they say behind me back with how much they’re willing to say to my face. Sometimes, my mother and step father say things like “You look like yo momma love you” when I get my hair done. They saw things about my hair, and the way I stand, and my personality and so much more and I don’t know what to do sometimes. Do I really look that bad most of the time? It doesn’t help that I always feel useless and that I’m letting everybody down every single day, every single minute, every second. Even if I do a good thing, I feel like I’m not doing enough and I know you’re supposed to take baby steps, but I’m never never enough. I know I’m not attractive. I know I’m not smart. I know I’m weird and even though I try to improve myself, I get the same comments every time. The good ones are thrown in there every so often but it’s always the bad ones that work their way into my brain as I lay asleep at night. My hope, my positivity, my heart is one of the only good aspects about myself. I don’t know what to do. So to whoever is reading this, whenever, and wherever..I’m sorry everybody. I’m truly sorry that I let you all down. I hope you all can forgive me, and I can forgive myself. 8/18/2024 Inner conflict with wanting to be myself and not caring about what others think is something I’ve been thinking about. I’m trying my best to learn that even if nobody else is proud of me, that I’m proud of myself. I’m my parent’s child, in will and in pride. I’ll heed their words but I’ll remember a voice may soon abide. When it whispers to pursue the star that seems so far, Jaden make sure to remember to trust that quiet voice- it’s who you are! I’m a boy on this Earth who stands apart from the crowd. I carry a light that shines on everyone around me. I love deeply, and I make my whole family proud. I’m a person that’ll give anything and do anything for the people I love. I would risk my life for strangers. I’ll choose to see the best in everybody. Even if I can only help one person, I’ll suffer. Though the world may challenge me, and the journey may leave its marks, those marks will heal, showing me just how far I’ve come. The people I love will shape me, the lessons I’ve learned will guide me, and no force on Earth can silence the quiet voice within me. And when that voice says, 'Jaden, you've come so far,' He’ll know—this is who I truly am. 8/25/2024 The group broke up today. LJ and Cierra got into it and they hate each other. I do not think I can fix it. Me and Tynise have to hang out with them individually if we want to be together. I couldn’t fix it. I’m so sorry. I will do better. I am sorry. 9/20/2024 I am quite literally one of the worst people I know. Whoever I meet, whoever I talk to, eventually wants to leave. For some reason, I am so bad fundamentally at being a good person and a good friend that I don’t see why I even try. I’m useless, less than useless. I’m sick. I tell myself that it is just my head and my logic speaking but my heart is just as bad. My heart is the one that leads me astray and off the beaten path. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am a terrible person. It would be better to just die. I would be better off dead is what I keep telling myself. They will all eventually hate me as much as I hate myself. As I write this though, my heart still has optimism for my future and has empathy for others. So, you’ll forgive yourself, won’t you, Jaden? 9/26/2024 Today was LJ’s and my father’s birthday. I thought I would reflect on my father and who he was. After going through that, I started thinking about how he was a pastor and then my stand on religion. I may not be Christian anymore, but I do agree with a lot of what the Bible says. The lessons to be selfless, forgiveness and letting go of anger, directing your lust somewhere else, and my love and compassion for everyone. Those lessons that were drilled into me were younger helped create the person who writes this today. What happened to my siblings and I were horrible but they’ve also created a good person. A person who is trying to grow and change and let go of the past and those feelings while also honoring what I’ve been through and acknowledging my metaphorical scars. For that, I will thank you forever Mom and Dad. Thank you so much for creating a beautiful human. 9/29/2024 Despite all I’ve written about my self-hatred, my quiet truth still lingers. I’m on a journey to learn self-love, and it’s far from simple. Slowly, I’m realizing I’m not the terrible person I once believed I was, and I’m learning to treat myself with kindness. Even though it’s difficult, my heart holds on to hope in the end. I do not truly understand it myself. I don’t understand why the world we’ve created is filled with drama—why that’s what people gravitate toward, what they explore, and indulge in. People can be so selfish. They care about themselves, their bank accounts, their pride, and they would rather let someone else suffer than confront their own insecurities and flaws. It feels like we’ve lost sight of what really matters. But when we remember the good, when we focus on the positive, it shines a light on us—on what we’re capable of, the kindness we can bring into the world, and the compassion we can revive. Yes, that light can be uncomfortable and hard to stand in. It puts our worst flaws about ourselves out for everyone to see, but it will always so much better than being lost in the dark forever. It’s like wandering through a dark and empty tunnel for what feels like forever, until suddenly, you hear a voice. You turn, and there’s the sunrise—radiant and almost too bright to bear. But you don’t care, because that what will be leading you home. 10/10/2024 Sometimes I despite my effort to be more self confident, I feel like an utter disappointment when I think about where I’m at in my life. I’m very happy and proud of him, but it makes me put myself down when I think about how my younger brother just got a car and his license at 16 and when I was 16, I was having mental breakdowns every night, crying myself to sleep. And that still hasn’t stopped. When my older sister was at my age now, she was saving money to move out and getting into her dream schools. I’m basically falling apart, and trying to desperately hold myself together. I have to try and give myself credit though. I’ve been through a lot. I’m strong. I’m a Caldwell, and despite everything else, that means I’m a hard worker and I’m smart. I still have yet to achieve my dreams, still have to figure out my life plans, but I know that as long as I have a passionate and big heart, I will not stop chasing those goals. 10/15/2024 I will always believe that people can change. We were all young children once. We were all raised differently, put through different situations, and we’ve all changed, but we all used to be kids once. Before everything we were all young before our heart was stolen from inside us. But this does not define us. We can all change, into better people. It starts though, with believing that you can change first. Don’t change for others, change for the good of yourself. Change to make a change. 10/16/2024 I never really did understand what people would mean when they said that a day felt like a dream. I realized that though, on this day, two years ago. I keep having to remind myself that what happened was real, and they I have to accept this. It still does not seem real, how I’ll never be able to see you again, hug you again, talk with you again, never play a game or cook with you again. You’re gone, and the weight of that forever crushes me. I was so looking forward to you healing so we could start over. I wish you could see who I am now, what I’ve done, and what I’m doing. I wish you could see the impact you had on everyone’s lives. I don’t think you’ll ever know the depth of love people had for you. Everyday, I to look at the spaces in-between us, and remember you’re gone forever. I will forever be grateful for what you have taught me, and for having a hand in creating who I am. I can only hope now that you’re finally somewhere relaxing and at peace. I can only hope that you’re watching over us. I can only hope that you’re proud of me. No one deserved that more than you Dad. I’ll miss you eternally Dad. I love you. 10/26/2024 These past few weeks have been miserable for me. I have not been able to focus on anything. I am barely holding myself together. I am falling apart. I have not been working on school, working at work, or going to school at all. I have not been enjoying myself. I have lost motivation for everything. But I know I am smart, and I have dreams that I do not want to give up on. And if I keep those dreams in my line of sight, I will continue to persevere to achieve those dreams and goals.]