A letter from Nov 08, 2024

Hey Marie, Sayang, there’s something almost sacred in knowing that this letter, written now with everything that is going on inside my chest which I can't name it down one by one since it does feel like something's exploding here and there. You said you know we'll make it, that was confident enough to calm me down. As if you sensed the storm in me before I had to say a word. It’s.. amazing how you can read my silences, predicting what I’m afraid to voice out loud, that this chapter we’re stepping into, with August of next year marked on our calendars, could either be the best day of all our dreams or the kind of ache that leaves scars. Tapi semoga enggak. Kita usahain terus ya, sayang. By the very start of this, I'd like to apologize. I know that over the year, there will have been days that likely stretched long and weighed heavy. When being with me tested your patience and perhaps even your faith in us. There will have been days where my thoughts ran too deep for me to express, leaving you confused or frustrated. I know there will have been those times when our conversations turned into misunderstandings, leaving us both trying to find common ground and coming up short, moments when we seemed to speak different languages and couldn't quite bridge the gap between us. There will have been days where I was distant, caught up in my own world, making it difficult for you to feel close to me. Days when my mind ran restless, and even worse, I let it affect the way I treated you. There will have been days moments when I let my frustrations spill over, moments when I was more impatient than kind. I know days when I was difficult to be around exists, when my anxieties or stress turned me into someone unrecognizable, someone who wasn't the partner I promised to be. Days when you felt the weight of my struggles as if they were your own, when you sat alone wiping away tears I was the cause of, and when you questioned if this was what you had signed up for. I know you'd be there, you'd choose to listen, to try to understand me even when I struggle to explain myself. You'd choose to keep reaching out when my heart pulls back, to forgive me when I falter, and to meet me where I am, even if it's not where you expected to find me. I know, I trust you that you'd do that. The only person I can't trust here is myself. You'd be there, sit in the silence, to ask questions I might not know how to answer, and to forgive me when I fall short of who I want to be for you. There’s a kind of quiet courage in how you love, how you’re willing to face the days when my storms lash out and still find a reason to smile at me as if to say, "I’m not going anywhere." You choose me even when I can’t seem to choose myself. Whatever the months between now and our next anniversary bring, know that right now, on this November evening, and every day that follows, I am so in love with you. And I hope with everything in me that the version of us that sits reading this letter next year is even more in love. No matter what the months ahead hold, my heart will always find its way back to you. Yours in every way, RG.