A letter from Nov 04, 2024

Dear FutureMe, Right now, I don't feel too good. I'm writing this in tears cause I'm in so much pain. I feel lonely and tired. Nothing makes sense and every inch of hope I ever had in me is slowly fading away. October 2024 will forever mark my life. This month was the hardest month of the year so far. Since living home I've always felt alone but never this lonely. I recently cut things off with my one person I thought I would never do that. The one person that cared when and how I got home. The one person that asked if I ate or how well I'm doing. I never imagined a reality without him. It's sad to think that he's no longer part of my present and I'm only left with memories. I can't lie and say that I don't miss him. However at the same time I know the breakup was for the best. Me and God both knew we weren't ready for each other spiritually. Hopefully reading this I'm at a place where I'm able to love myself without being in a relationship. I hope that you're comfortable on your own. I wonder if you've spoken ever since. Not only that, in October I stopped attending uni. It has been one of the darkest phases of my life. I have been receiving bad news after bad news. I feel helpless and drained. As I type this I have two exams coming up that I have no idea if I'll be able to make I or not. I'm constantly living on edge and fear. Feat of that email that will completely destroy my dreams. I hate feeling this hopeless. My faith is shaky and I feel like Jesus can't hear me. I keep praying and praying but nothing ever changes. I'm just thinking when is this going to end? Will I ever be happy without thinking that it's all temporary? Will I ever not count my days of joy because deep down I know something bad is coming? When I feel whole again? I pray that you're stronger in faith today reading this than you are right now. I pray that Jesus reveals to you everything He wanted to teach you through this trial. I hope that this experience can now be talked about in the past. I hope this test will allow you to comprehend God a little more. I miss my family so much. I really just want to go home. Stay pretty, Love you xx