A letter from Nov 01, 2024

today, i turned 15. this is probably the firstetter post i have posted for myself. strange right? i know. im just emotional—the fact that im already in the age i used before to fake age. tbh it feels weird. i feel so empty in my heart. maybe because birthdays are not that exciting anymore like before. backdays, i used to being overly excited since i will have alot of friends invited (cant even count them in fingers) but now in my teenage years, i feel so lonely and empty. all my friends are ****** off, some ghosted me. well i cant blame them. i chose this path. it has been quite alot of years ever since i felt real happiness. i feel so blunt and gray these years passed by. i feel so incomplete. everyday is the same—wakeup,eat,play,shower,school,sleep and repeat.. but to be honest, im proud of myself. i know at in my age, i havent achieved anything yet—but im proud that i stayed all this years of having suicidal thoughts—im proud to say that i survived. i stayed.. i used to be happy and eager to age fast when i was a toddler. but now i feel so pressured. i keep aging not noticin how fast the time is. the weight of the responsibilities ahead of me in the future is very pressuring. next year im grade 10, next 5 years i will already be on college.. i dont even know if i can go to college. we have no funds, and my parents are jobless. its hard.. im not gifted with a brain that can pass a scholarship test.. however, its still on future. i must focus on the present not on the past nor future. it will be a tough battle in the future but everything will be an end.. im praying that i could survie the battle that i will be going thru in the present. Drama aside, kamusta ka? kinakaya mo paba? alam kong mahirap pero dapat kayanin mo.. kaylangan kayanin.. kamusta jan? magkaibigan parin ba kayo ng trio mo?? mahirap ba ang grade 10? wag ka mag alala dont pressure yourself on picking a strand.. kaya moyan! grade 9 nga kinaya mo yan pa kaya!! HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY!! —15 year old me, Kim 11/2/24 1:02 AM