I knew everything at 18, but nothing at 22

Dear FutureMe, surprise! honestly I genuinely have no idea where I will be a year from now. Im sure I'll still be living at home, but I said that I was going to stay at the office only up until January. so I'd be pretty surprised if I was still there, although I guess there is another type of job opening up there. but I kinda just don't feel like I'm happy there. there are def more jobs out there that are ******** than this, but I feel like there's more I'm supposed to be doing. idk what it is, but I do think there is some other kinda job that I should feel proud of the work I'm doing and feel like fulfilled or something. quick side note, I hope you celebrated a good christmas. It's been about 4 months since turning 23 by the time you read this- has our frontal lobe developed at all? lol. I thought mine was developing this year, but I don't think so after all. I thought I knew everything and got it figured out, but I feel like I know nothing. anyhow back to my reality- its already been nearly 2 months since turning 22, but it feels like time keeps flying. you haven't really been doing much since starting work- how the **** do people do it. the 9-5 is so EXHAUSTING. LIKE SERIOUSLY WHO DESIGNED THIS. you started getting into making jewelry again. like, you bought a **** ton of materials again and buy it for fun. will you end up selling anything? it seems like a lot of work and I hate the idea of people perceiving what I do (like if I were to start selling stuff). I know its obvious I shouldn't care about what anyone else has to say but it's just so hard. you always get compliments on whatever you make so I think you'll be fine, even though we are really harsh critics lol. the 9-5 adjustment has also made it a lil hard to go out. although I am trying to go out more this month I think. living life off of no caffeine is hard lol. idk how much longer I can go by trying not to drink coffees/teas. I just fear when I start I can't stop so idk. but anyways, I've honestly not been up to much and it feels very bittersweet. some days I feel really empty and like I'm rotting away doing the same thing everyday and not doing anything to better myself or like just wasting my life. but also sometimes I like being able to be home and love doing nothing. I am GENUINELY happy to be alone right now. I would hope I don't meet someone for the rest of the year and honestly, maybe some months into next year. I would be sad if I met someone really good right now because I don't know what's going on in my life rn and what I'm doing. likee ain't no way I can be texting someone rn and going on dates when I feel so tired and just trying to do my own life rn. I am very surprised I feel this way since I haven't genuinely felt this way like... ever... it always makes me feel very surprised. but also maybe a bit proud of myself too since it feels kinda freeing to just chill. not having to worry about how I'm being perceived on dating apps and all that- I'm good for rn. how this will change a year from now tho.. idk. maybe I'm talking to someone as I'm reading this rn. on the topic of dating, I've been thinking A LOT about my identity. I think it's just a fact that I like everyone. last month I decided that I would want to seriously date a woman at least once before I die, because it would be so stupid to not do so just because of fear of judgement. if it doesn't happen, then it is what it is. but if there's something and I don't pursue it because I'm scared of my family's reactions, I think that would hurt even more. but it's hard. it's truly something that would affect everyone's perceptions of me forever in a negative way. speaking of that, you've also been thinking about family a lot lately tieing into that. some people in our family are just *******. like refusing to eat a meal a *** person made- catcalling- making rape jokes- disliking *** people- ya idk. at first I thought cutting off family because of "little" things like this would be too much. and it probably is. although I would never willingly keep someone in my life like this, like a friend, is it supposed to be different because it's family? it's not like any action they did against or to me. and these are people that are going to come to parties and celebrate me, although IDK how much I care for people with these morals to celebrate me if they cheer for the craziest ****. I just feel like isn't that how everyone's family is? aren't most people politically incorrect? sigh. (I genuinely will not understand how people dislike *** people like TRUST if we could be wired "normal" or straight, life would be so much easier. and I think that's what most people get wrong. like yea obviously being *** is fun because of the people and community and feeling safe/comfortable and accepted, but I don't think anyone can just choose to be ***. like if you think that anyone can switch up and fall in love with and be attracted to someone of the same gender as u by choice, do some soul searching fr.) ANYWAYS point is, I have just been thinking about my identity so much and I think after a decade of questioning, I don't think it's just a phase lol. i love men and people who are not men. I've somewhat decided to not out myself to family unless I date someone that requires me to come out. anyhow, can we talk about how this year, our body has changed so much. I get nausea if I have too much sugar at night before bed. My bones crack a lot when I wake up in the morning. I can only sleep in until like 11am if granted the chance. I get tired asf at like 10pm. My stomach has been hurting like everday for a month straight, maybe bc of my diet but Im not sure yet. i HAAATEEEEE adulting. I do not like feeling this way. I miss being able to starve myself for like 2 weeks and then losing weight- I have literally only gained weight this year. it's so sad. I don't see how people find the joy in aging LOL like no one has ever mentioned how it feels to have to adjust to aging in your early 20's, like I thought this **** would start when I turned 30 or something. WHY does no one warn you about these things. 22 is a weird age. I feel too old and outdated to hang with like people only a few years younger than me, like anyone younger than 20 for example- like I feel like im just in such a different world. but the actual adults in the world- the one's in their early 20's that go out to bars and meet new people and travel and sustain themselves and do adult things- I just feel like that's a different world from me too. i feel like im 18 or feel like ppl perceive me as 18 but also like im a worlds away from when I actually was 18. jesus christ I can't image how 25 is going to feel for me sheesh. I think im at a point in my life where I know nothing. when taylor swift said how can i know everything at 18 but nothing at 22 she was so real. I feel pretty confused about everything. and I really mean that. I can tell I am not confident in myself at all right now. i cant find the right words to say to people, I don't know what I actually look like, I dont take pictures of myself, and I feel like a stranger to the world and feel very shut off and scared. and I know my life could go one of 2 ways: either I work on this and change my life, or this is just how it's going to be. but I don't even know how to work on myself. it felt so easy when I was younger from 17-21: working on myself. I went through a lot of different things and experiences I actually had to go through. maybe that's the difference. I got to learn from EXPERIENCE- when I went through a ****** up breakup, lost friends, started new jobs/internships, when school got harder, etc. It's a lot easier to grow from something actually happening vs. nothing happening in my life rn. it's a lot easier to grow and learn about what kind of friends to keep close after a bad experience compared to working on my self-confidence, for example. but I know it's something I need to work on. I just don't know how. i would love to see how things are different a year from now so here are my current songs somewhat on repeat rn that I relate to rn: - gwen stefani: What you waiting for? - chappel roan: hmm My kink is karma or naked in manhattan, & PINK pony club fs - fred again: Delilah (pull me out of this) - charli xcx: girl, so confusing - beach bunny: vertigo - jazmin bean: **** show you haven't been listening to too much new music lately so I hope u get to discover a lot more music that you relate to phew idk if this letter sounded super pessimistic or not so I'll try to leave this on a good note just in case. I hope our graduation celebration goes well- just 2 more months from this letter and we will be free!! even though I have no idea what to do with my degree LOL, maybe I'll get it figured out eventually... I just want to feel proud and happy when I walk. I just don't want to feel ****** about it. i need to take grad pics still. did we end up doing non traditional grad pics? I just hope our makeup looks good asf tbh. as of right now, I want to do research in a particular field and work on my self-confidence. i also have been wondering abt what i want to do. I told mom and dad today I want to move away for a year. idk if I actually would do it, but I do think it's fair that I want to live somewhere else for a little bit. I do want to explore more than just this little bubble I feel stuck in. apparently AU pairs are a thing and you can be a nanny in a foreign country, although i think mom and dad would HAAATE me doing that with strangers lmao. but point is, I feel like there must be programs and other stuff and opportunities out there that I don't know about that will let me live out my dreams. although Id be ******* scared. I still want to take a solo trip AND I HOPE I got to do that by the time I read this. I have been telling myself for couple months, but ****, Im terrified. i give off stand-off energy and like I dont want to be bothered by people and I think people can tell. it's hard. idk how im supposed to appear friendly and confident and approachable when sometimes I do feel like keeping to myself. some days, I enjoy being alone and off-standish, and sometimes I miss being super extroverted like I was last year. I also don't know if I'm depressed rn or not. am I depressed or is adulting just hard. ughhhghhghghg are we gonna do anything for new years? I wouldnt blame us if we ended up just staying in tbh. I wonder if I will have any new friends or ppl in my life by the time I'm reading this. I definitely did a year ago from today, but meeting friends and ppl outside of school is so hard! also, what did we do for our birthday this year, if anything? you probably cried as always lol. god, 23 sounds like a scary age. MY 20'S!! NOOOO! :( everything is happening so fast sometimes if you haven't done so today, please be grateful. I hope you are doing okay right now and hope that everything is alright. I hope all of our family members are in good health. I hate hate hate watching everyone around me grow old, and Im tearing up as I type that. it's just gonna get harder to watch everyone grow up, and it hurts. gooood it hurts. im on my period rn so maybe thats why everything feels so sad rn. anyways- be grateful! I forget to do that sometimes. I complain about these little things, but I forget it is a privilege to have these problems. to be able to live at home, graduate school even if it isn't "on time," have a job, etc. I know 10 years from now I'm going to wish I had the problems I had right now. I fear I try to hold onto these moments out of anxiety that I don't know if I'm even living in the moment. but I really am grateful for my life rn. even just being able to walk, to type, drive, and do all these things are everyday things I forget to be grateful for. I have no idea where I'll be in December next year. I just hope everything is okay and that hopefully you are happy and content as you can be. I hope I have made some memorable experiences by the time this letter comes around. and I hope we are even just a bit more confident in ourselves rn compared to the time I'm writing this (so the bar is pretty low lol) you are a good person and do not let anyone tell you or make you feel otherwise. it's okay we are lazy sometimes, but I know we work hard, too. don't be afraid to give others your love, as I know it can be really scary to show others how we feel. but let it be known to those close to us! life is so short. see u later :]