A letter from Oct 14, 2024

Hey, Happy 21!! Go drink now that it's legal, but idk how much you like alcohol now, at least I still hate the smell. Go thank mom and dad, ******* hell I'm a big human now how did they manage all of this (gesture to self). I bet you forgot that we set this up, right before having to submit the application for NSF GRFP. I thought I should write a letter in English, now that I speak it as if it's my first language...actually no, my English still sucks. And freaking Grammarly is still nitpicking on me, but I can't turn it off because I suck at grammar. Honestly I should be having dinner or going over my application over and over again right now, but my gut is telling me "**** it." Anyway, thought I'd say something to you. I hope you're in a phd program now, but if you're not, aye that's kinda what I expected. I didn't really expect to be in a grad program at 20, but I thought I'd hate myself if I didn't try. Things haven't gone so well with applications in the past, not for college or summer programs, but it wasn't bad either...we always end up somewhere that we weren't excited about, but neither disliked. So I should at least try. Our PI is so confident in me I'm kind of scared to believe her, let's see if I should at all. If you are in a grad program now, I hope you're happy with where you are, and holy **** congratulations we made it! I'm sure you celebrated it already, but please do so again. Do your best and make the most out of it, but also enjoy it! If you are in a grad program now, but you don't like where you are, still, holy **** congratulations for making it! But also, know that in the end nobody gives a **** if you're dying in the corner, or transfer, or decides to change career after 30 years. So just do what your instinct tells you, so far it has never failed me. If you are not in a grad program, I'm assuming you got yourself a job, either a lab tech or in industry. Find what feels right first, have fun, and we can try again. This is the original plan, the above was an outrageous attempt filled with arrogance and overconfidence. You graduated in 3 years, already impressive enough. We've been rushing for the past 20 years, it's ok to slow down a bit. And since I know I have some annoying anxiety issues: if you're feeling anxious or unwell right now, or something happened this year, I want you to know that it's ok. I know we tell ourselves that on a daily basis, but sometimes it doesn't work as it should, and I hope hearing it from yourself from the past can help. It's ok. It's been ok, it will be ok. Whatever it is we'll find a way out. You're doing great, better than I am now. Even if you don't think so. Do what feels right, we can regret later if we need to. Be kind to people around us, but also protect yourself, don't be scared to be mean. Take care of yourself, that's more important than anything, we only live for a very short time. Go get a treat after reading this. And thank yourself for making it this far.