A letter from Oct 14, 2024

Dear FutureMe, so far my life has been interesting. i had a love thing with costa rica guy. i dated matt throughout freshman year. i got with new york 2nd semester of sophomore year. i got with wyatt in the beggining of junior year. me and wyatt just broke up. well we broke up like 2 weeks ago. last night i cried with him on the phone for a few hours. we admit to each other that we're not each others persons and itll never work. we both wanted to be eachothers so bad but it wont happen. my person is new york guy and i was sobbing because ill never have him. his person is yadira and he couldnt have her (i think theyll get together) because shes a christian and hes not. i think hell be happy with her. i knew we couldve dragged out our relationship longer but it wouldnt have worked out in the end and it wouldve js been a waste of time. sometimes i dont believe that tho. sometimes i think that we couldve dragged it out just simply for the experience. but whatever. we already broke up. i dont particularly regret it. last night he was telling me he was in love with another girl and then following up with i love you ella. and the worst part is i know what he means. he wasnt cheating on me. he wasnt like talking to her and in love with her while being in love with me. its js something he gave up on before me the same way i gave up on josh before him. we both accepted it even tho our hearts didnt. im being so corny right now. i still love wyatt. i dont see him as a replacement for josh because there was so much about us that was so unique. he has a seperate place in my heart forever. and he says i have one in his too because i was the first one to show him how to love or what love was supposed to feel like, since i put in my all. im about to start crying right now in the middle of film studies bro. i love wyatt. i dont even love new york anymore. like when he tries flirting with me i dont get as happy and jittery and butterflies like i used to. ive already accepted it wont work. but if i knew it could id be there in an instant. he tried flirting with me last night and yes he makes me laugh and smile but thats because he knows me inside and out. it didnt have the same effect as it used to. im really close with gloria at the moment. we have every class together. i hang out with adri and nicky and them at lunch. she js got back with ******. i cant even talk **** because ive done worse. but the whole having a baby thing will always be bizarre. ive developed somewhat of an eating disorder. i dont really eat much. i was at 129 and i got so scared and since then in the past two weeks ive gone down to 123. hopefully it keeps going down till 110. and hopefully once i reach that weight i can sucessfully maintain it. im gonna try to learn to start driving soon. i kind of regret being petty and not learning but also i dont because my ego is too big. but i want to learn because i want to like be an experienced driver for longer you know. so my parents trust i wont crash more. me and my mom witnessed a really bad accident on the street and i called 911. nika got into a really bad accident too. yana wants to have a sneaky link with this freak at her school. i prank called xian like 2 days ago. ummm i dont know what else has happened futureme. update: its now 12am and wyatt has switched up from this vulnerable friendly boy back to being a ***** to me and it’s so wishy washy it’s ******* with my head i feel like im being toyed with and i HATE that feeling. i hate it. “let’s not argue” the second he realizes hes wrong. “i dont know” to everything like **** YOU. i wish i could js block and move on but i can’t even tho i never rly loved him i still did love him idk how to explain it. something in my heart my evil heart hopes it never works out with that girl he wants so bad. idk im js evil. my new york guy will never work and also he doesn’t even give me butterflies anymore i dont love him. wyatt is still in love with her and possibly was in love with her while we were tg. the second we broke up he was holding her hand flirting with her and comforting her so yea im petty and i hope they never get together or they do and break up quickly. yea im an *******