A letter from Oct 08, 2024

dear future me, happy 18th jay! or jordan? you’re sort of an adult but let’s be real. go get a nose piercing or a tattoo. drive after midnight. register to vote for whatever upcoming election. looking back at old letters, i notice how i jinx myself when it comes to friends. today ive realized that i sort of jump from friend to friend and im not sure that’s a good thing?? but i make sure that when im friends with someone, im their rock. you can come to me for anything and i will be your biggest support but i will also set the record straight. anyways, im gonna avoid the topic of friend drama because it’s stressful, miserable, and im sure you’ve remembered all of it from junior year. 16 was a crazy one. a lot of big changes, both good and bad. if you look back at what all i said last year, just know that right now i am most certainly not in the same mental place i was. i remember feeling very motivated and lifted right out of the darkest points of my life. i said something about how the most needed thing for my recovery was to realize that i did not need mental illness to feel comfortable in myself and who i was. but now i find that it’s an entirely different scenario. im not stuck in a pit because ive given up on finding a way out, im stuck in a pit because i cannot see the way out, no matter how far and wide i search. i know it’s there. i wont sit here and say that it isn’t, because that’s negative, but its become increasingly difficult to stay afloat recently. dance is actually a big stressor at the moment. i go back and forth with the idea of quitting and its put me even further into this place where i still feel so lost. im low on friends right now. it feels like i have no one, but truly, the ones i do have are people that i never ever want to give up. isabella (happy 20th to her too holy ****) and elissa have become my rocks, and not to mention annabelle as well. but, that doesn’t stop this feeling that i haven’t found the people that really see me. at the moment i feel like im hovering above the earth, not quite grounded in reality and just squeezing my way through the rough patches, finding the easiest route through. hi jay. it’s october. i’m sure you remember not being able to finish this on your actual birthday, but by scrolling through notes, i’ve stumbled upon this. maybe i’m crazy but i think i’m a pretty good writer? anyways, even in the past two months, so much has changed. i’m in a much better place mentally than i was on my birthday. dance is my rock, i don’t know what i’d do without it. if anything, musical is my biggest stressor, and partially friendships and social status. everything with valerie got really weird. she moved on, i didn’t. i know you remember it all so i won’t waste my time making you relive it. why i decided to just rant to you? i don’t know. i guess i was hoping that it could be a reminder. i hope, that if you’re feeling better now, that this can be a reminder of how far you’ve come. 18 is a big number. remember 14? when everything felt so heavy, so scary. you’ve grown and you’ve survived even when you thought you wouldn’t. i couldn’t be more proud of you. you pushed through a mass amount of friend breakups, ups and downs with dance, panic attacks, loads of homework, your first wlw breakup. you survived a two year long depression. and even if i still think about falling back into that depression, giving up, i never do, you never do. you are persistent and hard working, you fight for what you want. you love so deeply and you’re so loyal sometimes that it’s hard to let go. jay, you have so much ahead of you. a career with endless bounds that no matter what, your passion will take you right through. i’m excited to see where you go. this may be the end of childhood, the end of high school, but it’s only the beginning of your life, the one you’ve always wanted to live. remember to always be kind, but stand up for yourself. stay calm, don’t overload with work. relationships will come to you when they’re meant to, don’t spend time searching for the one. if you wanna have a little fun, do it, but don’t search for someone to attach your whole meaning of life to. you are much more than just the relationships you have with others. you are your own person with goals and dreams. don’t let others define you. accept changes with a positive outlook, regardless of how you feel about it. they are meant to happen, so let them. work hard. work harder than anyone you know. always put in 100% of the effort you have to give for that day. even if the effort you have is only 50%, give 100% of that 50%. you have so much to offer, don’t let it go to waste. put yourself out there, meet some new people. life is meant to be lived. i love you. have the most incredible day and the best of luck as you go into college this month. love, 17 year old jay.