A letter from Sep 26, 2024

La multi ani, dear future me! I hope you have a good birthday and are able to enjoy it to the fullest, however you like! (Right now I'm joking that I'll go to the sea side on my bday, I wonder what came of that idea) I'll be honest with you - maybe you remember, who knows - I'm not feeling great, so I'd advice you not to read this right now if you're also not in a great headspace. Today I didn't go to school, but now, thinking abt it, maybe I should've. I'm crying as I'm writing this and thoughts are a bit messy rn, so I apologise if it's not all very coherent. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy this, and maybe I will after my bday celebration this saturday, but I can't help to get swalloed by my worries and comparisons. I read this morning the letter from last year and I was SO HAPPY. I was asking what I did this summer and if it was fun and that makes my chest throb. As you may remember, right now (and maybe even at the time of reading this) I'm struggling with anxieties, worries. I feel like I'm in a state of denial and stagnation. Like, I know what's coming and what I should expect from this year, but at the same time I don't think I can fully embrace it. I am so scared of everything. What if I don't have time to work enough for uni? What if I pass the BAC with a small grade and I feel useless hearing my friends get high grades? What if I can't deal with my anxiety?! I don't want to be stuck inside, but I feel frozen, I want to work, I want to be happy and enjoy things, but i feel STUCK. Reading the letter from last year and also looking through some old photos, I feel like I wasn't a good person this year. I feel like I took more the I gave. I was not a good child or a good enough friend. I don't even know if I was a good enough partener... And now here I am, crying on my 18th bday. Maybe it's temporary and I know things will get better, but rn I don't feel good. I should ask you questions, but I don't want to ask any. I don't want to know what happends. But I will tell you this, no matter what, no matter if we did get into uni or not, no matter the grade we got in the BAC, no matter how we treat ourselfes or if we get better at dealing with anxiety, I am proud of us. I am so very proud of how far we've come and I wish for you to not cry a single sad tear on your birthday. What's done is done. If you feel like you messed up in the past, make sure to try harder in the future. I know we aren't the "try super hard" kind of tipe, but let's do our best to enjoy another bday and another year doing things we like and loving the people dearest to us. Go ask your mom for a hug and Sin for a kiss. Enjoy the little things in life. Happy birthday!