A letter from Sep 19, 2024

Dear 18-year-old me, A few weeks into 17 and so many things have already happened. I feel like I've grown so much and yet stayed the same. I feel so many things at once that they've all mushed together so much that I sort of feel nothing at all. I've always believed that 17 is the year where nothing happens. Growing up the milestones were always 16 then 18, when all the big changes start to happen, but now that 16 has come and gone, maybe that's not so the case. I've been told that 17 is the year that everything changes, and judging by the few weeks or so that I've been 17 for, I hope it changes for the better. Exams are near, and I feel as if I have zero time to ever do anything. I had a really bad couple of months this year and I'm afraid it'll come back again. I'm been trying to regain control of my life and myself recently, and and so far I'm improving, but it's so hard to just keep doing this. More and more I feel this incredible feeling of guilt grow and grow; I feel guilty for not speaking up more; guilty because I don't know more, I don't do my research enough; guilty because there are people close to me who have next to nothing while I live in comfort; guilty because the comfort given to me by my parents' love isn't reciprocated, that I hate my parents for (not) raising me, because I had to teach myself to be like this and build up walls around my true self; I feel guilty for not loving my siblings enough, for being lazy and unmotivated and making excuses for every little chore and act that I don't want to do and pushing the burden onto others; and most of all, I feel so much guilt for being a narcissistic ******* who cares about no one but herself, but acts like she does for the approval of others. I hope that by the time I'm 18, some of this guilt will have been relieved. I hope that you are genuinely proud and secure of yourself, and that no matter what, you will always stand up and speak out for what you truly believe is right. I hope that you're on the track to finally learning to forgive your parents, that you can do the right thing, that this crushing guilt is slowly being chipped away. I know that I have the capacity to do this. I hope that by the time you read this, you are a much better person than me. I finally gave up on trying to control my sister, because I am not her parent nor will I ever be. It's not my responsibility to raise her, so I simply will not. I've realised my hypocrisy on so many things, it's hard to keep count. Every time a new issue comes up, why must I be the one who decides what is right and wrong? I just want to live in bliss. However, I know that that isn't what is right. It's so hard to keep a balance of always being morally correct while keeping myself happy, because I know that I can't have both. I hope you've figured it out by now. All I really want is to be able to keep my focus and study for the exams, at least for now. I hope you've let go of S and that you've moved on from Z. I'm genuinely so stressed that it's come to that point again where I feel nothing and everything. I just want to be happy. I hope you've kept your focus throughout the year. You're almost there! Just a few more months. I know it's hard to keep track sometimes but I genuinely believe that you can make it. Deep under all that self-hatred and disgust, you know that can push through it all. I hope that you've kept a handle on your impulses and grown more as a person. I want you to be happy as much as I want myself to be happy. I hope you remember me, and I hope that 17 is as eventful as it is right now. I know I've hinged all the answers to my problems to getting therapy and the right help I need, but I think it's time I give that up. I hope that you've found the way to get yourself happy without relying on other people. And finally, I hope you finally have your P's so you don't have to keep getting driven around and can finally achieve your freedom that I so desperately crave. Just know that you are loved, not just by me, but all the other versions of you, and your friends, and your parents, even if sometimes it feels as if the whole world is against you. - Ivana