A letter from Aug 30, 2024

Dear Future Luke, I've never written a letter to somebody else on this website, so i really hope it doesnt tell you. i havent decided when you'll receive this yet, maybe a year? i think a year probably. we broke up on tuesday, it's friday now. i cant decide if im taking it well. im clearly struggling with not being able to send you updates (obviously), and everytime i think of fond memories i do tear up. i finished my wednesday beach shift early because it was rainy, and as i was walking up the field i saw a random staircase (very dissimilar to any we have) but it made me go 'that was the last time me and luke will ever go up the stairs to his room' which was strangely a very saddening thought. albeit a bit dramatic. there's been quite a few moments in the three days ive been going solo where ive wanted to share something with you, so i thought this could be my cathartic safespace. on tuesday i cried the entire car ride home to olivia roderigo, totally needed. rosemary was the first to encounter me, and the first to recieve the news, and consequently the first to give me a hug. second was digs, then mum who (warned by raz who was warned by rosemary) gave me a cuddle when she got off the phone. i made a tea, lay in bed and looked at the iphone curated montage of your face and cried, which in retrospect is honestly quite hilarious. niamh came round, and i was going to continue reading to her, and then we realised my book was at yours, and still is. i hope you found it because it's a hardcover and was about £20, my current guess is that it's on the floor by the other side of your bed (i was right), but i cant give you that direction because were in no contact. i went to sleep at like 10:30 because i was so tired. i kept returning to the photos of you we'd taken earlier in the day, there was something about the stark contrast between the two, since they were taken only like an hour prior to the chat. on wednesday i went to work, cried the way there (notice a pattern). i was exausted, but mainly because it was so uncomfortable with niamh in my bed haha. joe asked if i was alright, and i told him i was tired, which he told me he could see. it didnt feel like the moment to elaborate though, there's nothing worse than having the rest of the day ahead of you and everyone sending you pitying looks when they think you cant see. i made it through the day, me and amy had a bit of a debrief, she was glad of the news since, as my coworker, complaining about relationship issues was a hot topic. weirdly though, i hadn't felt so protective of your character in a while, i couldnt view you as anything but lovely. finished early, gave maisie a call, and we made a plan to meet in totnes. cried on the way home. we met up, had a debrief. it felt good talking to maisie, she's so wise and wonderful. i left for spinning, but it took my 30 minutes from the bull to the industrial estate because of the traffic, so me and olive just sat and chatted in this hidden garden which i think was needed. there was overwhelming support. we were gonna meet my parents at meadowbrook to get pizza but it was busy so we went on to ashburton to meet maisie, casper, and ezra. we had pizza. it was good! i couldnt help thinking though that you should be there. it felt strange being in your neck of the woods, with plans to go to the wine bar you'd spoken about only the day before, and meet essie, who you'd also spoken about the day before. and it was all about to happen, just without you. that was really difficult, being somewhere you would've also been. and also knowing i would have to drive home, there was no closer home anymore. we finished our pizzas and moved to no14, it was rammed and very loud from the woman who was singing. some of maisie's school friends showed up (including essie) but i was so knackered i felt like i didnt have anything to say. gracie, spike, and louis, and emily showed up. me, ezra, and casper played snap and it was really funny, i felt like i saw alot more of casper's personality this night, since he's usually quite aloof. they all went outside for a smoke and me and ezra did magic tricks on each other (terribly neither of us knew any), but then emily came in and absolutely floored us with one, which i quickly picked up on. i kept looking out the window thinking you might walk past. we moved outside and i wowed louis with my new card trick, however he saw me drop the card which i was going to pretend to pull out from behind his ear. so he ruined it. eventually i dropped ezra in totnes and drove home, didnt cry this time. or did i, i dont remember. another early night because i was so tired (i didnt get home until 11:30 ! big night for me, anddd i drank a beer, yes it was technically a communcal pint and i did encourage it otherwise we'd be there all night, but i had most of it). on thursday i had work again, warehouse this time. recieved lots of hugs without saying a thing, news flies in this family apparently. i took stock of christmas decorations the entire day. then i headed to spinning with olive, we'd missed tonya's the day before so did christina's which i thought was a step harder. i felt like i was really pushing myself. i've just been keeping busy alot, and it works. i suppose it helps that i've had work. i went straight from spinning to outside to see the gig, and lots of my family was there, including olive, and gracie also turned up. it was really nice. i bumped into some girls i knew from my dance days. one of them sent me into a bit of an identity crisis, her dad is a music producer and she wants to do music, and at the end of September she's going to LA to meet casting agents. love her but felt a bit **** after haha. comparison is the thief of joy though! i was SO tired so i left at 10 with the rest of my family, and had another quick bedtime. today's (friday) been a strange one, sometimes i feel fine, and sometimes it feels like i can't wake up from a bad dream. it just really hurts when i think about some of our best memories, or imagine you all cooking at yours and im not there. i even looked at my car earlier and imagined us in it, which is crazy behaviour. today was slow and a bit sad and boring. i forgot but yesterday i woke up for my pre work coffee, but there was no oat milk and i instantly cried haha. after work today i went straight for a run, which is kinda what prompted this letter. i wanted to tell you. i ran for 25 mins ish, and got really out of breath, and i thought you'd be proud. you've brought alot of good habits into my life. i did then have a coffee (decaf) which youd probably be less impressed by (because it was at 6pm). i missed you all day today, and probably thought about you constantly. and im thinking about you now (obviously). i keep wondering how you're doing, sometimes i check when you were last active on instagram, it makes me feel closer to your orbit weirdly. i keep checking my phone hoping you've texted me, even though i told you not to. i just feel like im in this deep hole, and that there's no winning. either i stay in devon and have to feel your absence even more and grow more and more bored every day (although i did briefly consider going to australia), or i go to uni. my accomodation registering still isn't working. i wish someone would just tell me what to do. i wonder what i've done by the time this arrives. i find it sad driving past your motorway exit when you're away working, i wonder how it'll feel knowing you're there, i just can't come over. it makes me feel so sad for you when i remember you saying through tears 'i have to try' (see how it feels to be broken up), and it makes me so sad. so sad that you were struggling, i wish we could've been there for eachother more. i wish you could've found comfort in me. i dont want to finish this letter because this feels like the closest i've been to you since we broke up. even though it's just me and my laptop screen. i dont even know if ill send this, its kind of a mess. when we were in london together to see richie mich i knew it was the last time id be in that flat. but itll probably always feel nostalgic. ill be sad when you sell it. i just dont know what to do with all these memories, i want to jump into them, i want to do it all over again, not differently, just to experience it once more. i was feeling jealous of past me for how much time she still had left with you. even though i know it wasnt perfect, i cant help but getting insanely nostalgic, and im really sorry if this letter arrives and feels like a violation, but i really miss you right now, and wish i could hear your voice. i can remember it all, every chapter, and ill cherish these memories. i really hope we can be friends one day, and ill probably read this in a year and hate myself for sending it, but i want to right now. i found a song called 'tangerine' by Tommy Newport which i think you'd like, youve probably heard it though. it's sunday now. friday evening turned out to be a mess, turns out writing this wasnt as therapeutic as i imagined. i started crying at the kitchen table into my chilli. originally i was supposed to give up my room for rosemary and phin for a week, which i just didnt have the capacity for. and the idea of not having a safe space, and not being able to use my room when i dont have alot of time left in devon really hurt. but i was mainly crying about us. i decided to go to uni. after crying at the table digs came into my room and told me to come for a cuddle. he got out his old musical pamphlet from when he was in Guys and Dolls (as Harry the horse) while at uni, telling me about comfort zones, and putting yourself in positions where you can explore opportunities you'd never considered before. it was actually a really good talk. and cheered me up. i made a tea and put myself to bed. saturday was the first day i didnt cry, yay! we went out for a messy family breakfast which eventually became positive, digs and rosemary were cranky and no one could decide on the table (it was either too bright or too windy). i had a yummy almond croissant and oat latte (as i should), then walked home with rosemary. it's a really lovely walk, albeit with a bit of off-roading into the wilderness. i dont think theres technically a 'walk', you just have to make it up. we climbed over a gate into a field, and i jumped across some hay bails. i'd told rosemary it wouldnt be more than 20 mins, it took 45... i finally managed to send off my accom application, because it hadnt been working. i wanted to tell you that, but didnt obviously. i havent heard back yet, so i dont actually know if theyll have anything for me, but ill cross that bridge when i get there. late evening we went over to olive's and played table tennis and watched some youtube videos. it was sweet. i dont know if youll relate to this, but im still in the habbit of using you as a reference point. as a point of relating? if olive is talking about something jake does, its still so easy for me to go 'luke does that too' or whatever it be. i have to remind myself youre not really supposed to do that anymore. maybe i just like an excuse to say your name. i think the feeling of being somewhere and feeling as though you should be there would hurt more if it wasnt so familiar. ive always wished you could be at the pub with us, or camping, or bbqing. i still do of course. one of my favourite feelings was knowing we get to spend time with friends and then the certainty of going home together, or camping in your van. today is sunday. i was supposed to be working but it was cancelled last night. ive not done much today, walked the dogs and started on my student finance application. ive been finding alot of reprieve in physical activity. my legs still hurt from my run the other day though haha. id like to do some yoga or something. my downward dog will never be as good as yours though, you freak. Sunday evening i got super bored so called up hermione to see if she wanted to go for a walk, her 14 year old cousin was staying over but was keen so over i went. Daisy and i got on immediately, she was like a carbon copy of hermione and lhamo and we all just nerded out together. we went by small morrisons and grabbed some sweet bits, then headed to the moor for an adventure. the only way i know on to the moor is directly past your house, and i felt like i was holding my breath even though i knew you were at your dads. it felt a bit odd. we stopped at the resevoir, and there was this horrible irony of the last time i was there was the last day we were together. we started to walk along the perimeter then saw this lovely bench by the water and decided we actually fancied a swim. we sat on the bench for a while, imagining if a unicorn appeared on the other side of the water and talking nerdy things like avatar the last airbender and anime. me and hermione waded in and stood there for ages just enjoying the ambience. there was a thick mist and it was really eerie, but it was cool. fish kept nibbling my toes though which was less cool. i tried to throw my top to shore but it slapped onto the water embarrassingly far away and slowly sunk. i had to shirtless walk of shame to retrieve it. we headed back to hermione's and lhamo came round and we chatted for a bit, he was kinda grouchy though bless him. i was knackered so ended up staying over and sleeping on some sofa cushions which was pretty uncomfy but we made do. on monday i headed home pretty early, i need my morning time in bed with my coffee and a youtube video, its my morning ritual, before work, before anything (unless im going out for a coffee). i saw you yesterday (friday), and friday evening i felt like i was 15 again. knowing you were at the barrelhouse with your family made me want to go there, made me feel restless. ive had a rough day. normally the feeling of being stuck in a bad dream only lasts an hour or so, but ive felt it all day. its so consuming, and overwhelming. every minute i just think of what i would be doing if we were still together. i think i was right about it hitting me after seeing you, this is the worst ive felt. i think there was a small element of denial that first week, and the certainty that i would see you again. but now theres just emptiness on the horizon, and the fact that i have to get over you now. lets talk about friday, and then finish this letter because i cant keep writing this forever haha. i felt like i was meeting you for a first date with how nervous i felt. sometimes i get this overhwelming sense of jealousy for past me for how much time she has left with you, especially me from last summer. all those days spent with toby and chloe hanging out, and walking to the river. and going to carls'. it all seems so far away but also like it was yesterday. i have to keep telling myself to just breathe because otherwise i dont know what to do. its taking everything to not reach out right now. i was so nervous to see you, SO nervous. i was so worried it would feel like we were strangers. i saw your van pull into the carpark and hid in the hedge, i felt like i didnt know how to walk over to you anymore. niamh called me and i mumbled my fears while forcing myself forwards. as soon as i got you i said hi and we hugged, and within about 30 seconds you were already crying, which was actually very affirming. we got a takeaway coffee and walked around the gardens, catching up in the same way old friends probably do. im writing this on the 25th of september so i dont really want to go into detail. we both cried multiple times, it was still all very emotional, and sweet. i was hanging on to every moment, hoping you didnt have somewhere to be (you did, as you always do). we finally finished our walk, and you drove me to my car to pick up your things. and we hugged goodbye, you kissed me on my cheek, i went to kiss you on your cheek, you went to kiss me. i pulled back and said 'cheeky' and we laughed. and then we kissed. you asked if i wanted to go to the back of your van, and i thought about it, even though i knew i didnt actually want to do what you were insinuating, just that i didnt want our time to end. i followed you to the van, but when i got inside and we started kissing i knew this wasnt right. and you could feel me feeling that. so we stopped, and ended things on a wholesome note. and said goodbye. and i havent seen you since. and i no longer need to. it's currently wednesday 25th septmeber, im sat in my uni room eating a bowl of granola and a nescafe cappucino which i only had to add hot water to (i also added a splash of oat milk) in my bull mug (the one i bought, not the one i stole) and everything's okay. well not entirely, im not settled and i dont have many friends yet. but im more than capable. but everything with you is okay, and im glad i wrote this letter, even though i no longer want to send it, which i think is a crucial part in how genuinely it feels like i've moved on. this letter was such a release for me, it made me feel closer to you, and as though by sending it i was securing a future link, some lifeline you could reach out to me from. i dont need that anymore. and it feels like such a short span of time has passed for me to feel so genuinely secure without our relationship, but it feels real. i have no desire to look at old photos of you, or check when you were last active, or watch your story. your absence isnt the first thing i notice when i walk into a room. i already feel like im coming back to myself, to that confident, self-assured girl i was when you first met me. and its wonderful. im so open to new experiences and possibilities, to meeting new people. and putting myself out there. and its made me realise you didnt know me that deeply, there were so many sides of me you never met, so many past versions of myself you didnt want to know about. it truly feels like by ending our relationship ive been set on the right path, im not sure if uni is that right path yet, but becoming the person i want to become separate of that relationship feels inextricably right. thank you for everything, youve taught me so many great lessons, and ive always be greatful for what we had. i wish you the absolute best for your life.