A letter from Sep 24, 2024

Dear FutureMe, You'll be 35+ when you read this. Today I am 34+. We were home alone for a few days and it was good. In fact, it was great. Parents just got back now, but you haven't spoken to them or looked at them. Truth is... you didn't miss them at all. We have come to the realization that I'm unkind to them and I really really need to move out. Finally, got a short term gig that is paying more than ever before and I can actually afford to move out. Idk what to do after the gig is over. I really want to find remote work that pays well. So far it hasn't been that. Today we went out to exchange a pair of pants, travelled for hours and had some experiences on the road that made you question the point of commuting this way. But we are gonna suck it up and take up that gig. The idea now is to move out right after the first salary. Those pants are too long and we tried to adjust it, the safety pin snagged and badly pulled the threads in the material. I was so angry and cried too. It was expensive and I went to all that effort. I really hope you have stopped buying online.. the size is always wrong. During these few days I realized something else too... I really don't mind being alone. The relationship I have.. he ignores me most of the time and I didn't miss him either. I miss having someone wonderful in my life. But this.. it feels a lot like some sort of trauma bond. He wanted to meet tomorrow. I declined until I wasn't home alone anymore and I found myself thinking of going out tomorrow. Made me realize that when I am in a stable, peaceful, conducive place.. it's very likely that relationship will end.. because I won't keep talking to him.. out of loneliness, anger, fear, to avoid feeling suffocated. I have been watching a lot of interviews and have found myself wanting to be on them too, because I have actually made a difference and continue to make a difference. SO MUCH TO WORK THROUGH.. I really hope you have a more consistent relationship with God. Pray everyday, every moment to be a better person. I hope you are standing on your own two feet. I hope you are making a difference. I hope you are better than I am right now. I hope you are a light to everyone around you and meeting you. I hope your mind is in a good place.. This year is vastly different to last year (even though the year before wasn't. It was different in the realizations we began to have). I hope and want the year to be so different and better, when you read this. Better is ahead. With God, you don't lose. Remember the cross. Remember how the most heartbreaking defeat, ***** on a cross, which was a certain end to humans, was actually the most impossible plan of salvation through the resurrection of Jesus. Something no human could ever envision. God is the God of the impossible. God is on our side and all suffering is for his glory and the good of all mankind. I love you. You got this.