A letter from Jun 13, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Hey there. It's meeeee. Happy birthday by the way. I'm sitting here, typing this on my PC at 10:43 pm. I got home recently from eating dinner with the family. It was nice. How has your birthday today been? The big 18.. I know it's on a Saturday and you planned to do your party on your bday this year. Did you do it? Or changed your mind lol? How's it feel? Do you finally feel like a 'big kid' now? Anyways, enough about you, now on to me, your past self. I just turned 17, as you know. Well god. There's a lot I could talk about. School? Been going pretty good. I started Dual Credit classes this year and it's been a neat experience. I made some new friends and have gotten closer with older ones. We're going on a trail ride for my birthday party this year. In almost 2 weeks. I'm excited! Speaking of horseback riding, when you Idk if you still work there, but I've started working for the snake breeder. It's awesome. I really love it. My favorite snake is Red Velvet, one of their hoggies. Honestly, if I could take her home i would lol. Anyways.. I have the homecoming dance tomorrow. Someone asked me to the dance. You'll remember who. I don't like him romantically though. At least I don't think I do. I honestly think I may be on the aroace spectrum bc something's up with me. Idk maybe not. I have a dress I kinda liked when we bought it. But now it looks wrong. I don't know what I'm feeling, but I just don't feel.. right..? Idk it's confusing. I'm dreading tomorrow. My anxiety has been so bad. I hate it. I honestly don't want to go, but I already committed to going. I'm going to spend the night at a friend's also tomorrow. The friend that I feel like has replaced me slightly. I don't know. I think it's just the anxiety talking, but at least I'll get to see her newish friends.. even the one I haven't met yet. She seems like she'll be fun. Now.. let's talk fur babies. How are Zyra and Zephyr? I'm not going to lie.. at this moment, I know there's a good chance they have passed by this time next year. I'm getting emotional thinking about it. Anticipatory grief is kicking my butt hard recently. I can't even watch some of the vet shows I love without bawling bc they had to euthanize an animal and I can't help but think of Zy or Zephy in that place. They're doing okay right now. Both got their adrenal implants earlier this summer and we got them on Pred too for their insulinoma. They're 1/2 way to the maximum dosage. We're supposed to call the vet and see if they'll up it. I'm scared. I don't know how I'll be able to bear parting with them. I love them too much. They keep me happy and sane. But we have Zin too. He's a mess, but I know we have a couple of years together if things pan in our favor. He's bonded with Zy and Zep really well. I'm worried for when one of them passes. We should be looking at getting him a younger buddy sometime in the next few months. And then there's Cilantro!! My white's tree frog. Do you still have her? God I hope you do. She's a cute little lady. I hope to get her some friends a little while after Christmas. I put a huge upgrade for her on my Christmas list. Did we get it lol?? Future self, how do we feel? Like feel feel? What are we? I have no clue. It worries me. It scares me not knowing who or what I am. But I don't try to figure it out bc I don't want to be here when it happens. I want to be elsewhere. Have college plans changed? Also, APPLY IF YOU HAVEN'T OR I'LL COME THROUGH TIME AND KICK YOUR BUTT D:< You should have already applied though I think. idk. I'm scared for the future. I'm scared of change, I'm scared of growing up, I'm scared of ***** and grief, I'm scared of falling behind (which I feel like I am right now. I feel like I'll never be able to catch up. I don't even have my license yet. What am I doing?? Screw anxiety. Please tell me we're on anxiety meds and maybe anti depressants now. How have you survived this long without them. It's been so much worse recently. The anxiety is ******* me.), I'm scared of failing (I'm #2 right now, and the pressure is ON. I try to tell myself I don't care if I drop in rank, but in reality, I really do care.), I'm scared of love, I'm scared of fear, I'm scared of everything besides the things people are usually afraid of (spiders, snakes, scorpions. I tried to convince mom. she says no D:) I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to value the validation of our family less. I'm saying screw it when it comes to my friends. If they don't like them, it's fine. They're my friends and they're not bad people. They're just different. Not your stereotypical heteronormative white cishet guy/girl. I hope you're doing better than I'm doing right now. In all honesty, go out. Go do something for me. Do something good. Do something fun. Do something brave. If you haven't done so yet, make a checklist of things you want to do. Places you want to go, sights you want to see. Bucket list it. Achieve what you want to. Live! Live and be happy! Don't follow what the people say; live outside their box! And write another note to yourself now and to yourself in a few years. We're doing better than we think. I love you. You've got this. You may still not know who you are, but you ARE important. You WILL find your place in the world, and you WILL do good for the world. You are strong. I believe in you. Even if you don't know who you are or think you aren't made for this world, I know someone wants you here. I want you here. You have big dreams. Don't let anyone crush them. You go out there and do what it takes to make a difference. I love you. I hope you're happy. I hope you reach your dreams. I know you can. You're smart, you're kind, you're brave, you're capable, you're perfect the way your are. You've got this my friend <33