A letter from Sep 20, 2024

Dear Hika, First of all, happy birthday. Do you still go by Hika? Or did you find it cringy at some point and drop it? I find it pretty cool at the moment, but you never know. Five years doesn't sound like much on paper, but it certainly feels like ages. A lot has changed since five years ago, when I was 15. I must have still been infatuated with Sijil, I think. I want to ask you about your love life, but let's start from the basics first. How is mom and dad? Are they still together or did mom get away from dad for good? Or did things somehow work out, did dad stop drinking and change for the better? I hope mom is still not so stressed. Because she is very very stressed at the moment. I try my best to help her but I'm afraid I'm useless. How is Rii? Did you reconcile with her? I don't think a fight would last for five years, but for the time being, I also can't imagine talking to her again. She has done so much to hurt me. I'll be both impressed and disappointed if you were able to forgive her. But who knows, maybe she has changed too. Is Omi, Mochi, Kimchi and Juni still with you? As this topic approaches, I'm scared. Our animal buddies have such short life spans and even if they don't pass away, they're bound to leave the house at some point. But those kids are my comfort space right now. And I'll cherish the time I have with them. I do hope that they're still with you though. Did you get any new pets? Do you have a job? Did you take PG in criminology? I really hope you did. Because right now, I don't have any hope for my future academics. Dad doesn't have much funds so I'll just have to get a job as a psychologist or something after completing my UG. Did that happen? And how was it? How is your current job? Did becoming an investigator work out for you, or did you realize too late that it's not a practical job? Did you go into another field altogether? Whatever it is, I just hope you're happy with what job you have right now. Because you do deserve it. Coming to the awaited (?) topic, are you still single? I'm assuming you still identify as bi, because I'm pretty sure of my ********* right now. If not though, what do you identify as? Did things work out with Chinmayi? I have no expectations but if it did, I couldn't be more happier. Let's just say I'm pretty sad thinking about it right now, because I feel like I'll never be able to tell her. But whether you got her or not, and whether you have someone else or not.. I guess what matters the most is that you need to be at peace with yourself. Being single isn't as sad as people make it out to be. Whatever your future has in store, I'm sure it's going to be amazing. Are you still in the fandoms I'm in? AAA, Mamamoo, Sanders Sides, and all the various cartoons that we watched? Did any of the currently ongoing series end? Gosh, if Sanders Sides ended, I don't know what I would do with myself. That series taught me so much and filled me with so many emotions. Do you have any friends? Are you still friends with Miwa and Lene? I don't believe in the best friend bs anymore but I also can't imagine not being friends with them. I wonder if Miwa has any kids lol. What about your college classmates? Are you in touch with them? Did you fulfil your little dreams of wanting to perform songs on stage? Of doing youtube as a side business? Of releasing original music? Of writing and publishing your books? Of making them into a series? I'm sure even five years is too short for all of that to happen, but even if one of them did, I'd be glad. Did you grow out your hair or is it still short? Are you still insecure about your looks? If you are, I really don't know how to comfort you. But I do know that I look in the mirror sometimes and think "I don't look that bad." and I think that's good enough. How is your mental health? I hope it's stable and if not, I hope you're seeing a therapist. You've gone through so many highs and lows abd you've already tried to keep your emotions to yourself, I just hope you create little spaces where you can vent everything from time to time. Take care of your mind and body, they are precious. I'm getting a little emotional, writing this. I don't even know if this stupid website works, but I'm hoping it does. The idea of future is scary. I may act like I have no fears, but I'm somewhat terrified by what's to come. Who's to say what will happen? Who would leave your life, or what would make your life worse? I don't know, maybe you won't even be alive by the time this letter reaches you. But I hope you are. Because as much as I often think that life isn't worth living, there are tiny things that change my mind and make me wonder if my depression isn't a big liar. Just take care. If you're going through a rough time, I really don't think I can help because I've only come this far. I've probably not experienced the things you have. But just take a break if you can, abd try to sort things out in a healthy way. If problems seem out of your control, you can still make peace with your mind as best as you can. I trust that you have the strength to just hold on for a little longer. That's more than enough. Happy birthday again. Yours, Hika. 2021