A letter from Sep 17, 2024

Dear Jessica, Belated happy birthday! Oops. I’m sure you’ll remember, but today is hard. Today ******* sucks. I’m writing from the day we officially outlive mom. 38 years and 4 days. And the tears and the heartache and the crippling fear and loneliness and anxiety and the god**** survivor’s guilt has been so heavy. But I’m writing to remind you that you’re still here. One year later. When we didn’t think we would make it past this day. I’m sure as you’re reading this, you’re still here. Right now I’m sitting in the park, having a picnic alone (with mom) because mom decided we weren’t going to school today. Today is only for the vibes, and that’s why she made it so there was no parking on campus and were like **** this, I’m going the **** home. Remember when mom called us and Kristen out of school and we spent the day exploring Mendocino just because mom was having a ****-it-let’s-go-live kind of day? And it was the best day ever? Today I’ve decided that to honor mom, I am going to embrace life again. Not just go through the motions, not just exist and get through it. I am not an imposter in my dream life. What would mom think of that? Mom would not expect you to earn life or prove that you deserve it. She would want to see you experiencing joy! I wonder where life has brought you, 1 year away from me. Today we let ourself cry in public without hiding. I hope you’re still learning to let yourself be vulnerable and let people in and ask for help. I hope you haven’t forgotten how much everyone showed up for us this weekend and made us feel so loved. Most of all, I hope you remember that mom loves you, and Kristen loves you, and yourself from one year ago, loves you! PS. Mom would have loved RM’s music!