A letter from Sep 13, 2024

Assalamualaikum, Hello all the me’s of the past, present and future. Hello to all the people I’ve been and that I will come to be. Thank you for writing to me!? I swear I keep forgetting that I do these letters until I get one in my inbox on a random Thursday. Gives me whiplash every single time. But yeah, hi hope you’re hanging in there. No actually I hope you’re doing wayyy better than just “hanging in there”. You better be!!! For our sake!! (Threatening) It’s Friday the 13th today! (Freaky! idk i just felt like saying this). I’m in Cheras right now and there are people coming over to view the house. I honestly feel relieved that we can let this place go (even just for a little while) and settle down in Bangi with the cats and all (at least that’s what I’m hoping). OK moving on! Do I still feel distant from the people in my life? Yes I do. But it’s different from the one you described. I think I’ve accepted it. It’s a nice distance, like watching a sunset. It’s far off in the intangible horizon but you can feel it’s warmth nonetheless, and it makes you smile and think “I’m so glad to be alive”. I don’t know, maybe I’ve just gotten used to it. Although, I’m not going to lie that sometimes I wish I could reach out and burn my skin against the sun and become smothered by it’s scalding rays. Or something. Sorry for getting metaphorical but I hope you get it. Wow, did I really resent people? That’s a little too strong a word, but thinking back on it and where I am currently it all boils down to just a lack of empathy and effort on my part (and ego!!! the god forsaken ego!!). I simply just don’t understand people. And It’s OK to start off that way. I’m just scared of being complacent with how I am right now, whatever this is. Actually, let me name what “this” is. Uhh Ummm. A teenage girl with low self esteem and an ego of a middle aged man (disastrous combination if you ask me) who is a little lonelier than she lets on, who’s scared of commitment and intimacy so she avoids forming connections with people and even if she does she leaves them first before they can leave her. Oh OK. This might give you mega whiplash on a ramdom Thursday or it won’t now that I am self aware. Now you tell me if we’ve taken this self awareness and tried to do something about it. Wow I love writing. Now, I know you didn’t ask but No I am not happy. Happiness is perpetual winter, wind in my hair, walks to convenience stores and giddy laughter shared with friends while we drown ourselves in sugar and preservatives. Which I will never get back again and that is OK because right now I’ve got something just as good. I’ve got the present moment and the future to look forward to. And a movie to watch tonight! God I love writing. I didn’t know I could yap this much but wow it is so freeing. As for “Have I found myself?” Yes or at least I am starting to. Which is really exciting because this sliver of certainty is just a taste of my freedom that is yet to come. And lastly, am I still into One Piece? No I am not. To be honest I’m a little sad I couldn’t continue loving this series but knowing that I really did find joy and love in it means a lot to me. No love however brief is wasted. I hope the love I had for the characters and the wonderful world of One Piece can be carried on into creating my own beautiful world. Alright, signing off now. I pray that all is well on your end. Waalaikumussalam.