A letter from Sep 06, 2024

Dear FutureMe, Dear FutureMe, OG LETTER: Dear FutureMe, I'm currently a 16 year old mess I have no idea what I want to do in life I have no idea who I want to be in life I've never dated. I've never had my first kiss. I've never had a job. I feel like I've never done anything. How have I lived 16 years on this planet and done nothing. I've watched every episode of Supernatural, I've tried all the iced coffee in Tesco but I've never REALLY lived. I want to live not just exist. I feel so lacking in everything. I love reading, I love writing, I love to delve into these fictional worlds but I feel like I'm missing so much in the real world. I hope you, future me, are living and feeling better than me. I love you no matter what. ----------------- Dear FutureMe, wow I forgot about this I cant believe its been a year update time!! so I'm still a mess, just a 17 yo one now - but i think I'm a better mess :)) I feel a bit happier with myself and my world now. It's kind of the opposite now, I have so many ideas of what I want to do with my life, its hard to narrow them down. I'm doing a gap year next year, I can't wait. I think working will be tough but I'm excited to leave the work at work and come home and not have to worry about homework and things like that. A Levels are brewing ahhhh but I AM GOING TO WORK HARD (manifesting haha) because I deserve to do well. Still never dated. Still never been kissed. I am scared I'm missing out. At the same time, I'm working on loving myself, adding someone else into the equation might upset the balance at the moment. Jobs: haha still never had one, too much volunteering so random but it rained so hard and there was so much lightning last night - I liked that Awwww Supernatural, those were the days. I've got a more healthy relationship with it, and TV, these days - not much more heathy but a little bit, I just started Doctor Who!!! Iced coffee is still my drug of choice, I'm sure it will be in 5 years as well. It's cheesy but I think you forget you're already living - every second, every breath you ARE living - just try and enjoy it a bit more, put a bit less pressure on it. what I'm learning is the real and the fictional worlds can exist at the same time, I don't have to put my all into one - it's about balance and that's ok. Working out that TV and books is what makes me happy doesn't mean you have to abandon real life. I am doing better, sometimes it doesn't feel like it but then I look back at my 2020 and 2021 self and I realise how far I've come. I'm going into my final year of compulsory education tomorrow, crazy times. and then the fun/work begins :))) I still love you, you idiot, love yourself a bit more <3 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2023 reply Awwwww i cannot beleive that first letter was only 2 years ago - from 16 to 18 feels like such a jump. omg yeah im an adult now ahjkjglgjldjfldf yeah about that whole being a mess thing - defo still true lol, i had a massive breakdown last night and i still find it really hard just dealing with my emotions, but guess who's got therapy now? ta-da!! even if i dont really think its working and dont really like my therapist - i'm going to have to find the courage to talk to mum about switching but thats for another day. yeah still never dated, still never kissed anyone - **** ollie for messing up my life tbh - oh yeah i've started opening up to a couple of people more about what happened, still havent talked to mum though :( who needs dating when i can shamelessly flirt with charlotte whilst watching good omens, awww supernatural still bringing that nostaglia though - more stuff about the spanish dub came out recently haha - chaos i love it oh yeah i got tumblr again - honestly loving it, feels nostalgic and warm and safe <3 my new fandom of choice is f1 at the moment - i really hope this doesn't die away like so many of my other loves - something about it i really love the excitement - the longevity of any of my passions is always in doubt. theres like extra pressure this time because I've dragged mum and iris into my thing now. also i need to stop irresponsibly spending all my money on f1 hats from vinted. haha oh the gap year - well its here! but my god 17 y o poppy was snobby and thought she knew everything haha. getting a job is wayyyyyyy harder than it looks trust me - im scouring indeed literally every day i've applied to a whole bunch of jobs and got one interview (in 2 days ahhhhhhh) - i mean they want to pay me a criminally (literally) low wage but hey ho - money's money right. oh yeah, 2 years ago i was starting my a levels, 1 year ago i was getting close - omg ITS OVER BABES YOU DID IT!!!!! A*AA BESTIE!!!!! WITH AN A* IN THE EPQ. so smart, so hardworking no one can take that away from you. ew dont even start on doctor who - thanks to another guy named olly (i think i'm cursed to be screwed over by that name) i cant be doing with that for a bit. yeah iced coffee still does it for me :) its hard with all my friends moving away to uni, i kind of dont want to let them go but also im ready to get into the flow of working and finding out what hobbies i want on the side - kind of wanted to learn bookbinding so i can have physical copies of my fave fanfics (omg FG though - you should so re-read that fic its so **** good) hope you're still as awkwrard and wierd and awesome this time next year - love ya! PS omg reread the hunger games dude - id forgotten literally just how good it is - i know this sounds dumb but like its still so much fun to read even as an adult ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bring on 2024 New Questions (5/9/22) how was the gap year???? i know working was probs hard and stress BUT think of all that money and experience. did you book/go on that dream trip to crema? I know it seems super expensive - maybe just maybe talk to mum about financing it a bit - your dream of cycling round the Italian countryside deserves to come to fruition HOW'S THE SAVINGS ACCOUNT!!! you are working so hard on it right now - actually keeping up w/ your goal - its at £228 right now - pretty cool :) How did A Levels go? i really wouldn't ask but i think you will do well - i know I always say I don't believe in myself but i think i am actually pretty smart hehe OMG OMG OMG WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO UNI!!!! HOW WAS THIS NOT MY FIRST QUESTION? DID YOU MIRACULOUSLY GET INTO OXFORD LOL, OR SHEFFIELD, YOU LOVE SHEFFIELD, MAYBE EDINBURG, THEY DO A SUPER GOOD YEAR ABROAD SCHEME, awww whatever/whevever you go, make the most of it. love life... do i dare ask... finally get that first kiss yet??? if not that's ok, we're working on it :))) what tv are you watching right now? so many shows so little time lol. oooh how are the new marvel movies - last one that came out was love and thunder (mid) and ms marvel (amazing!!!) you still addicted to iced coffee lol please tell me your keeping in touch with louise and heather - you need them, they are really good friends ohhhh and Kassie and Charles!!! please tell me you kept in touch! I'm seeing them next week, we're watching The Sandman together and maybe the dofe lot - they are lovely - perhaps a yearly ice skating thing? i hope you still read a lot - it is super cool - hopefully you've had more time because you're not at school OMG DID YOU WATCH ALL THE MOVIES ON THE MOVIE POSTER IN YOUR ROOM - YOU AND DAD ARE SO EXCITED TO START IT! did you get that funky samsung flip phone? is covid totally gone by then? its not really a thing anymore but it still feels weird to think about. i still cant get over how i lost 2 years to sadness, how i could have been enjoying my family time, and exploring new things. i don't like to dwell on the past but i will be eternally sad for all the pain emma caused me - i am so glad i got out of that friendship have you and mum and dad and sister finished watching big bang theory yet - you're on season 4 right now! YOU BETTER STILL DO FAMILY MOVIE NIGHT! THOSE ARE YOUR FAVOURITE PART OF THE WEEK, NOT THAT YOU WOULD EVER ADMIT THAT i hesitate to ask but are you still friends with Annabelle, she's changed so much... it's just more awkward now... i don't think we'll ever be proper freidns again, that makes me sad ollie... just no. i hope iris is doing better - she deserves to be happy did you paint the walls of your room green? that was the dream! how hard was winter 2022 financially? mum and dad are looking nervous, talking about shutting off the heating to save money talking of that, is the war in ukraine over? is russia giving us gas again? i hope you're enjoying life just a bit more, baby steps, think of how far you have come since 2020 i love you idiot :)))))) 2024 RESPONSE: BRO so much has changed this is wild, like genuinly crazy. my whole world is like constantly shifting, this time next week im driving up to *** for uni like holy **** my entire life will just drastically change, probably the biggest change i've ever been through. its crazy to me just how much the world keeps on turning, and the insane amount of plot twists that occur. ok i feel like i should respond to a few questions. firstly, to my 16 year old self, i extend all my love, girl you were going through it im so sorry, trust me it gets better, in fact your whole life really starts to happen as soon as you stop wallowing in misery and you just throw yourself into it. trust me as soon as i realised im way cooler than i think and everyone else around you is just as silly and stupid as you, you start to open up and have experiences that you would have shyed away from for fear of being seen as uncool. this also just comes with time and maturity, back at 16 people are still very hormonal and obsessed with hierarchy, the more you grow up and expand your circles and horizons the more you realise the tiny bubble where popularity is important (aka high school) does not reflect real life. also im starting to figure my **** out a bit (not a whole lot and im sure it'll all change again but im leaning towards journalism as i've switched my degree to media and communication w/ history and classics - you never know in my letter this time next year i might be highly regretting that choice haha) dating, kissing, boys - yeah we're still pretty behind bro not going to lie. unsuprisingly being SA'd as a child does a pretty poor job when you grow up and try to date so yeah yikes. i know making jokes is a bad thing but seriously it is wild how much it still holds you back even now, sorry. i wish i had better news that the therapy worked and you're in a stable relationship and happy but im afraid that might have to be a 2025 or beyond update lol. you did tell mum about what he did to you so im super proud of you, you've been carrying around that secret for way too long <3 SUPERNATURAL THROWBACK ok you've even got a better relationship with the more embaressing phases of your past now, you know they're phases for a reason, you're supposed to be a cringy teenager thats ok!!! still very much into my f1 though and im happy about it, im sure it's influence in my life will diminish as i get more and more busy but i still love my tumblr. ok girlie you're not going to beleive this....YOU WORK AT TESCO BABES yeah that place you've tried all the coffee's from, you literally stock them on the shelves....PLOT TWIST haha. i don't think 16 y o me would ever have considered stocking shelves at tesco as what i'd be doing at 19 but here we are, honestly i've loved my job so much (Oh god im about to cry, we'll get onto that later) but yeah crazy that we had a tesco mention in the first letter!! mate trust me your weird interests, your reading writing and imaginary worlds aren't even holding you back as much as you think. smug me at 17 and 18 assumed i was past that and it was a bad thing, it wasn't, its made you emotive and sensitive and kind and funny and odd and weird and knowledgeable and all these things which people value in you so much. trust me, idk what real world was out there at 16 that you were missing out on, in reality i think for your own mental health, it was almost better you missed out, now you're having those teenage experiences at an age where you can keep yourself a bit safer. "I hope you, future me, are living and feeling better than me. I love you no matter what." what a cutie. trust me we're doing ok buddy 17 y o poppy helloooooooo i feel like you were vibing honestly, you knew good times were ahead and you were just pushing through, i echo what 18 y o me says about being super proud of all your hard work, those exams put you in such good stead, in fact your amazing effort in your a levels resonated with Kathrine when she hired you for tesco so well done girl. "so random but it rained so hard and there was so much lightning last night - I liked that" ----- september rain, yeah im experiencing it right now!! yeah girl me and that emmi cafe latte iced coffee still going strong, not a clue if i can afford it at uni though rip 18 year old me - shes back in the trenches lollllll (im sorry pops i dont mean to joke i just think its funny how fragile our mental health is) yeah therapy didnt help much it was all too surface level it definately kept me afloat when i was finding the first 3 months at my job hard so thats a good thing but you're going to need to put in the effort and hunt out some professional help when you get to uni cool cool anywhooooooo, well done for talking to mum blah blah blah we already went through this, i dont know i keep trying to not think about it and that seems to be doing the job so yeah...... OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY flirting with charlotte over good omens, ok so theres a lot to unpack here buddy. WHEN YOU SEE THOSE TIKTOKS OF LIKE "2023 ME WOULDNT BELEIVE THE PLOT TWIST THAT 2024 ME IS TELLING HER ABOUT" this is the moment. i literally cannot fathom how you would react to this story sorry girl. also this links to doctor who olly. SO BASICALLY THEY SLEPT TOGETHER????????? so i can tell you're like omg what, yeah they met, shagged, even though she knew you liked him and you told her it would be weird she was selfish and just did it anyways so yeah yikes. i dont really wanna go into it but she bascially told you that SHE was more hard done by because it meant he saw her as easy???? anyways so that sort of opened your eyes to the fact that she's not a good friend and she's selfish and SHES NEVER APOLOGISED OR SEES HER ACTIONS AS WRONG because....get ready for this...SHE HAS A BF NOW???? not him some other guy, and when i made a joke about just how much the whole olly situation screwed me up she just didnt get it. i mean it seriously messed me up, like i started smoking levels of messed me up. im sorry younger me i know you really didnt want me to smoke :(((( **** happens yeah getting a job honestly wasn't that hard, i got lucky but also im literally a good qualified person why wouldnt they want me. this is the influence of cam on my ego (aka this guy seriously helped me improve my self esteem and oops tears in my eyes again) trust me your friends moving to uni will actually have very little impact on your friendships, the ones that are meant to stay will (aka louise, ruth, charlotta, the ****** lot etc) and the ones meant to drift will. also you'll end up getting a lot closer with people still in your town aka anabelle and ruby/grace and you'll even pick up a few new friends along the way (mark aston jimmy melih) fanfiction will always be a big part of your life but the more you go out there the less you will rely on the fan world for entertainment, dont you worry im sure theres a healthy balence. awwwww cam, its his last day at work today, i wonder how it'll be at the xmas do, right now you're missing him loads but super proud of his new job but yeah idk its just crazy to me how everyone's off to do such different things. i mean you have friends at oxford, friends abandoning cambridge, friends close to retirement, friends starting their first adult job and friends off to travel the world. idk its wild to think where we'll all be in a years time i think the summary is that more has happened to me in the last 3 weeks than in yearsssssss ive smoked, done weed, partied, danced my arse off, slept away from home a lot, driven around with my friends, nearly got beaten up at the pub, finally made friends with guys, i have 2 guys interested in me, like trust me life is picking up. i dont doubt uni will change everything im sure this time next year i'll be laughing at myself going "oh how little does she know" but for the moment im content with where i'm at. i have people who love me (thank you to cam and kathrine for making me cry at that realisation) and a world thats just at my fingertips. its going to all change and that is scary but please hopefully for the better :) OH **** FORGOT I HAD MORE TO ADD AHHHH 1. gap year was good, having money is lovely (sorry to next years poppy whos super in debt) and honestly its not as hard as it looks. you need a lot less effort for a lot more reward and even though you hated your job at first, you grew to tolerate it and then love the people you work with so much that you cried when you said goodbye 2. crema god thats a weird time ago nope never happened not that fussed now 3. savings acount - girl i have £10,000 saved up for uni 4. a levels did well been over this 5. HAHAHHA FUNNY I LITERALLY FORGOT TO ASK dude im not doxing myself online but bro you know where now, its not anywhere you listed in fact i dont think you'd been by the time you wrote that but its a great city with a good course (im actually really really ******* nervous to go in case i hate it i mean its so much money, it is very culturally different i worry about being isolated or bullied but im going to try and suck it up and remind myself that im not evetyones cup of tea and thats ok) also trust me girl you would have hated oxford but its great to go visit your friends there 6. shut up (no first kiss yet) 7. tv shows girl youre so tired prepping for uni there's literally like tv static as your brain. im watching some survivalist one in alaska. i have you, narcos and some other stuff on the god, idk im literally so brain dead but i want to make sure i respond to evertyring today. ALSO NEW MARVEL IS **** SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU 8. louise for sure, heather sort of drifted but you and louise went to some semi dodgey barn party in the middle of nowhere camped and ate some odd vegan vodka jelly so yeah your friendships still going strong 9. OH BOY NOT ANOTHER POOR FORSHADOWING kassie got groomed and doesnt speak to you, charlotte slept with the guy you liked then made it that she was the victim - so no you're not feeling that trio anymore. also sandman was such a funny date AND THAT MEANS THIS LETTER PREDATES THE QUEEN DYING LOL 10. dofe no its just weird we arent actually that close to begin with but thats chill 11. reading very actively at the begining of the year now im lucky to string a coherant sentance together, im just so so busy 12. yeah another thing and promise that fell apart no you didnt watch them dont worry idk its just hard to commit to stuff 13. samsung flip phone ew no pops what are you thinking, you're happy just keeping your old bad phone (even if iris and cam collectively bullied you for it today) 14. covid yeah its gone, monkeypox is the new rumoured one but it wont be big. yeah im sad too but im very much over it, over emma too. its a wild and horrific time but honestly gotta keep busy gotta keep moving 15. finished big bang theory finished friends finished so many shows its nice, thats been a good hihglight from my gap year 16. family movie night is very much not the best bit of the week god you must have been lonely with no friends. yeah our last one together is tonight, they're sad i think you're just repressing your feelings becayse you cant bear to feel the pain of parting 17. BRO 360 ME AND ANABELLE ARE LITERAL BESTIES NOW we both have been through some wild times together and our lives are insane, we're forever bonded and closer than ever 18. ollie....yeah still no bro what does this even mean 19. iris yeah she's gone to the dark side (basic white girl) but at least she's somewhat happier than her dark emo phase idk i have my reservations but if its working for her i have trust she knows herself - also shes a teenager shes supposed to be angsty and not have everything figured out 20. ew green walls wtf was i thinking 21. yeah finances are fine i guess, i mean we've got enough to get me to uni so we're chilling also girl you're literally their kid stop worrying its not your responsibility 22. war still going. war's always going somewhere. 23. yeah me too i do love you im just knackered and snarky lol Some questions for 2025 poppy i guess - hows uni babes please please please tell me you aren't regretting your choice of course and city - dare i ask, any romance, come on girl please tell me you've at least had your first kiss now - finances? they still good? i doubt it, please tell me you're working in the holidays!! - has your fashion changed much since im writing this now (sept. 2024) im always nosy about your fashion - friendships, firstly the rosta: louise, charlotte, annabelle, the ******** lot, olly (hmmmm) the sunday crew, especially ruby, tesco lot? - also uni friends, flatmates? any flatcest? any professors lol? - how is your cooking cleaning skills now - honestly im too tired to add to this list i feel bad i feel like im letting the side down but im so tired, im so busy at the moment. im working 6 days a week right up until i leave for uni im barely sleeping, anytime im not working im meeting up with friends, im too busy to even do important things like packing or checking my emails because im just running from place to place constantly. i need to get on top of things but i feel like im spinning 100 plates at once. deep down i know itll all get done it just doesnt help my anxiety levels and being this tired makes me so sleepy and emotional all the time. i hope its all better for you 2025 poppy, you're going into second year (i presume) good luck, i really do love you and i love you for making it through the hardest times x