play sa hindi pag-alala by munimuni when you read this

Dear FutureMe: i would like to preface this by saying that i'm on my period. do what you will with that information. that being said, i'll talk about it all. i might as well pour it out onto this email in hopes that future me can empathize or look back (fondly? sadly?). right now, it stings. it's september 04, 2024. i leave for the uk in 6 days, can you believe it? time has been my greatest enemy for the longest time. or maybe i am my own enemy for creating situations that just leads to regrets? i've found myself often wondering "what if..." what if i did something earlier? what if i actually told him that i liked him earlier? none (except 1) of my friends know that i've liked him for a bit. i'm writing this all out to get this off my chest. god know my journal is tired of me already. anyways. but yeah, we'd be sat at the common room and i'd think "wow." just that sometimes. i'd just be like "wow. i wonder what it'd be like to know him more" how ******* silly. thoughts like "wow he's good with kids- and animals? and he can play the guitar and he does sports?!" yeah that whole shebang. yknow, i rejected other guys because he was always somehow at the back of my mind. i can't do casual, i can only do things that deal with emotions, attachment (ruh roh), feelings. ugh anyways. sometimes i regret breaking up with him. actually i think about it often i can't lie. i'm just so incredibly frustrated at myself. my reason for breaking up with him stems from my childhood - i wasn't used to the affection he gave me. i wasn't used to how easily he'd tell me he missed me. i wasn't used to how easily he'd compliment me. i wasn't used to being cared for. he was so sweet and i felt like i couldn't give him that you know? i couldn't actually give him back the adoration he deserved. and now? it's pent up inside me. i wish i did something. he liked holding my hand but i got so nervous my hands would get sweaty. from afar, it looked like i was swatting his touch but i just didn't wanna irk him out. and also, i didn't really fancy touch. i loved spending time and doing things together. i would go to another ****** arcade with him yk? on the drive to that dinner, i found myself wishing and begging for traffic. somehow i pleaded that the red lights reflected off the hood of his car more. we could've sang more songs in his car with his phone falling off the phone mount. i feel stupid you know? when he placed the maroon cap on my head, it hurt somehow. i display it in my room, i'm hesitant to wear it, i don't want to damage it. i have so many words to say. when he came back from his trip and i saw him for the first time after things ended, i felt this weight hover over my chest and it's just only gotten heavier. i couldn't look him in the eyes. i wanted to cry when i heard him laugh. i felt so stupid. i felt stupid for him and i felt stupid because of my decisions. we watched a horror movie lately. i wish he sat next to me like before. but then again, my decision my consequence. i don't want to write anymore. this hurts. i'm just glad we're still friends. i think it would hurt a lot if i lost him. one of my friends said to me that i have to understand if he doesn't want to be friends anymore and that thought didn't click in my head when i made my decision. i didn't realise i could lose him as a friend because he just felt so permanent in my life. i often think about if i just told him earlier. i would've had more time with him, i could've done more things with him. i'm just so ******* frustrated and sad. if he asked me to call i'd drop everything and do it in that moment. i miss his voice notes and his jokes this is a great mistake