A letter from Sep 03, 2024

Dear FutureMe, Hi Jill. I hope you're doing well. I just started my third week of sophomore year, the first day after Memorial Day weekend. I'm already loaded with homework. An APW test and notes tomorrow, an essay Thursday, algebra quizzes and homework every week, my first Chronicle article, etc. I'm so stressed already, but I think I'll get the hang of it. Right now the major thing on my mind is riding and Diddy. I miss him so much, I can't wait to get back to a consistent schedule again. This last Friday I had a new group over to the Condo; Ada, Sofia, Margo, and Mia. I'm really liking getting to know Mia and Sofia more than last year, they're super sweet. I've been eating lunch with Ada, Sofia, Morgan, Frances, and Mia T too. New Mia came today as well. On Saturday I slept over at Lili's and we were supposed to go scalloping, but they got a flat tire and the trip got cancelled. That's okay though, because she came over here and we went on the paddle board. I caught another fish! Monday, because it was a long weekend, I met this girl Paisley from Tampa Prep who has a place here, then the Ledfords came for the day. Lili and I are doing better than we have been and I'm glad. It's still really tricky to navigate and things are starting to upset me that I can't necessarily talk to her about, like manners and demeanor related to intelligence. She's very smart, she's absolutely incredible, but I feel like she views other people below her. I'm hoping we can work through it. We hit one year on Sunday, do we make it to two? I can only imagine how awkward this all would be if you aren't still together, but I also can't picture a reality where either of us have the balls to call it off. I really love her, and I hope you two are doing well today. She's really good for you, make sure you have someone to be vulnerable with. As it is now, I love her with every aspect of my being. She's beautiful, she's strong, and she's almost everything I need. I love her and I say with confidence I always will. You still do, I know that. She's our everything. And don't do anything long distance. If you are, call it off now. Don't do that to yourself, although I don't think you would. You're smart, Jill. I figure I should answer some of the things I wrote in my last letter, from May 2nd, 2023, in eighth grade. The first major topic was Morgan. I asked if I still thought about her, if I ever got to talk to her, etc. When I received that letter I hadn't, but now we're talking regularly. In fact, mid-way through that sentence, she just texted me. Shes a very good person to have in my life and I hope that she's still in yours, one way or another. Don't let her get away, but I don't think you ever would again. You've been talking to her about making herself heard more instead of just listening to everyone else all the time. It's weird for her, but she's getting better. She's such an incredible listener with such a kind soul, and very poetic words. We also do a lot of work supporting each other through all of the memories, I think we both feel a very similar guilt for the other and it's helpful to hear consistent reassurance. Last night, I wrote her "I'll continue to be here as long as you'll let me" to which she replied "I'll never shut you out again, so that's gonna be a while. It always felt like I did. And believe me it felt terrible and still does." Little things like that, we have to overcome together. She's special. If you don't still remind her all the time, go do that. I'm planning a pantamime with Sofia, TJ, and Summer as well as hoping to do Too Late To Turn Back Now from Bonnie and Clyde with Tyler for Thespians. I'm excited to re-learn Toledo again, too. Do you have fun in your shows this year? What part do you play? Do you still know all the songs? I sure do. I doubt you will ever beat Gangster #2. We find out what the play is on Friday, at a Troupe meeting. Im sooo excited, I hope its good! Earnest was fun but I think we can do wayyy better. And OMG how could I not ask about the new condo? I've been so beyond excited to get over there, being closer to school and in the middle of everything is gonna be so so sososooss cool. Im thrilled. And driving too, I drove home from Urgent Care today (I have that really bad cough, remember? We must be really good as swallowing pills now) and mom was ready to jump ship lmao. Absolutely terrified, I think I'm getting worse at this point. FL roads are not for the weak. I think I'll be better by then, though. Plus I'll have the lexus and a spot in the Jr. parking lot! The Jeep and Maserrati are weird. I don't think I'll be going anywhere near the Porsche either when we get that. My current favorite people down here would be Ada, Diana, Mia, Sofia L, Margo, Bella, Tyler, and ofc the Troupe! What am I gonna do without Remy and Luca next year? I can't even fathom. I'm gonna cry, for sure. OH and Remy has been writing be a track for Like Beer, the song I started with Mich and worked on all throughout camp. Speaking of camp, I hope you got some kind of F U to Caroline. Maybe Isee too, but I'm not quite as upset with her. Camp was quite the experience, but rn the big Cayuga gc is still active and you miss everyone dearly. Devin just found Lily but you haven't gotten on the phone with her yet. Remember your og gang with Bella and Jules? It will feel like forever ago, I know. It already does, and the time since I've seen them isn't even as long as I spent WITH them! That's so crazy. Send a text to everyone there, if anyone doesnt answer text them individually. I miss them, I love them. By extension, so do you! In my last letter to myself, I wrote the following: "I want to write as much as possible for your sake, I'm not sure how easy life is for you and I want you to know that, although I've never really been here for myself, I can be here from you. I don't think you are me, exactly, so imagine it's from another mind. You will never be able to talk to me, but I'm telling you, I love who you are. I'm proud of you. I hope you've finally let go, but if not thats ok. Don't let any unnecessary harm come to yourself, imagine me finding out that I'm still hopeless in 6th months. Let me believe I'll be okay, and let me be right." While it may not apply directly, I still mean all of that. I hope you're still doing better. Eating has been a bit hard but my body image feels like it's improving and I hope it's still up there. Good luck facing Junior year Love. I don't love me, but know that your #1 supporter has always been you from the past. Part of me knows that this letter will feel like I wrote it yesterday as soon as you get it. I also know it will take forever to get to that day, and my whole world will shift as many times as it has to. I'm here and I'm ready to accept whatever changes you've encountered. Whoever you are now is who you are meant to be right now. I haven't told anyone just how terrified of the future I am. I don't like that I don't know where I am a year from now, so I am terrified of you and who you have become. I know that you are not me, although I am still you. In that weird way, I love you. -Jill, from one year ago today. Sent at 8:38 PM, instead of doing homework. <3